Life

Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.

What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.

The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.

Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man.  I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.

I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.

These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective  isn’t less valid.

I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.

Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.

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Been Thinking…

Things have been going on and I haven’t posted in while. That’s not really an excuse to not staying consistent but hey…it’s the truth.

There is a subject on my heart and very much part of my life that I feel it needs to be addressed.

In a previous post I talked a little bit about my cam modelling past. I’ve done it for 7 straight years. The number one reason for doing that was money. Looking back now – that is not a valid reason. There were ways to make money without degrading myself. To make matters worse, I somehow knew that. I’m doing now what I should have been doing back then. Now I am an affiliate marketer and I’m working on my own business and it’s going very well. In the past month and a half maybe 2, I’ve made more money than I did in 5 years of caming. Why didn’t I start sooner? I cannot answer that question. I don’t think it’s really relevant at this point now. What’s done cannot be undone but it doesn’t mean that my life is destroyed beyond repair. Things happen for a reason and somehow I think that the course of my life up until this point was suppose to be this way.

I could be standing here just as strong if it hadn’t been the way it was. In all honesty, I’m grateful. Now the point of this post is simple – cam modelling has to stop and I’ve made it a purpose of mine to make it stop. There is no difference between a prostitute who sells her body on the street corner and the prostitute who strips online and fingers herself or God knows what else. There is absolutely no difference. Why is it legal then? Because the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar empire but at what cost? This industry cripples people. Once you get in this vicious cycle, you can lose yourself. Going back to leading a normal life can be impossible. No matter who says what, it can become impossible for people to go back. Women and men get caught up in the “easy money” thing and forget how to lead a honest and fulfilled life. You don’t know how to do anything else or doing something else requires actual brain usage that – after a period of time of caming – you no longer see value in it. And this is only the financial aspect of this industry.

The main problem is actually the pain. Yes I made a lot of money caming – I’m not going to sit here and lie about it. I made serious money, but I had to pay a price – myself. Seven years of cam modelling became 7 years of pain on top of the pain I already had. Pain of degrading myself, pain of losing trust in people, pain of making the wrong choice, pain of not staying true to myself….pure pain and internal agony. My heart goes out to all the cam models out there, but at the same time I can’t help you. You have to help yourself and the first step is getting out and talking about it no matter what labels society will throw at you. Just get out! One more day spent there and it’s one more day when you sold a piece of your soul for a few bucks and it’s not worth it. You have kids to raise, bills to pay, debt etc. Guess what? I had to deal with that too. I lost pretty much everything at some point. I also have a child to raise. And it can be done without exposing myself or selling my soul. Anyone can do that, you just really have to want it.

No matter where you are in world and how hard things are in your country – selling your body is not the answer and it is a felony. Men paying you to do that are criminals too. Models sell the drug, men buy it. In most countries, drug possession and drug using is also a crime. So yes, you guys out there paying these women to strip  and do things should be brought to justice as well. Even men who are there just viewing or talking or whatever else that some of then may classify as being innocent are also enablers and users and should be charged accordingly and I will fight for this even if that means that I will be incarcerated myself. I did what I did and I’m beyond ready to accept the consequences.

Most of the cam models in the industry see this industry as the only way to make a living. Like nothing else exists on this planet. Another thing pointed out to me is that people would have more respect for a woman who robbed a gas station instead of doing cam modelling. Dear human, I am sorry to have to disagree with you. Robbing a gas station is not an answer either. I know that some of the cam models do not have degrees or any type of diploma to help them get a good job. Let me tell you this – any job is better than this. I never relied solely on cam modelling. I mopped floors, was a waitress, a bartender, paper girl, worked at a fast food joint etc. and I wish I had stuck to just those.

Still, I don’t feel like I’ve wasted years because all the pain I went through has a purpose and I finally see that now. This gave me more power to face the facts, accept and move on from my past and try and do something about it.

I was a prostitute and you guys who are doing this are also prostitutes no matter how you try to sugar coat it. That’s the stone cold truth.

 

My name is Olga Iosub and I was a cam model. It will be a long ride, but it’s well worth it.

 

 

Sometimes I’m disappointed…

in people…Does the picture above raise your eyebrows? Is there anything strange in that picture? Well, please be so kind as to un – squint your damn eyes and you’ll see a bunch of Junior High boys doing a Nazi Salute!!!!

In fucking 2018, we still have yahoo behavior. In 2018, we still see ignorance when information is pretty much slapping people in the face. Again, in 2018, we see still don’t learn. Fuck trying to find a cure for cancer! How about finding a cure for stupidity? How’s that?

After the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Synagogue, this photo emerges. How fucking cool is this? The younger generation is playing Hitler. Awww…that sure can make a parent warm and fuzzy inside.

Again, why? Why is this still happening? This is a rhetorical question. In actuality, there is no possible explanation under the sun that could possibly make me understand why, after everything that’s happened  throughout history, people never learn.

I am a mother and I feel disgusted that my child has to grow up in  this world, but I hope and I will do my best in parenting my child so that she will never behave like this.

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

As a Christian, I want to openly apologize to the Jewish community for this behavior and I sincerely hope this will be done and over with. Sometimes people should act as if their mom’s watching over their shoulder. This world would be a much better place.Baraboo High School

 

 

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby,  took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother  has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

Someone once told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever is needed inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

Boo-f**cking-hoo

So yeah….the past 2 weeks I have been slacking royally on my writing. It’s been sitting on my mind every day but I just couldn’t find time to sit down and gather my thoughts (something I haven’t been managing to do lately – I’ve been all over the fucking place).
Some things have changed. I got a job as an Internet Marketer. No, I am not in the US. Still living in Romania and working remotely. Dividing my time has proven to be a major challenge.
Have you ever had that feeling of failure to the point of desperation? Like nothing you do is good enough and you keep disappointing the people you love the most no matter how hard you try to do best by them? Well that’s how I feel and how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. I feel like like a bad mother, a complete loser. I have no logical reason to feel that way: my daughter is taken care of and loved even when she’s screaming so hard it’s pushing me to the verge of jumping out the window,  my family gladly helps me with whatever they can although I, sometimes, think I take advantage of them.
I honestly try my best every day to balance everything and I am coming to realize I was never prepared for this. It makes me resent all those years spent in school. Where’s my math teacher or chemistry teacher now? They were so quick on explaining to me why it’s so important for me to learn trigonometry and organic fusions. What good are those to me now? They don’t feed my kid or help me keep my sanity. What’s the point of all of that when at the end of the day you realize you were never really prepared for life?
I am not nor will ever be perfect. It doesn’t really help to have that shoved in my face every day. My kid doesn’t understand mommy is tired and needs a break. My daughter deserves 100% of me and, right now, I feel like I am failing royally.
Anyway….here’s “my boo-hoo-hoo my life’s so hard” post. I promised I’ll be honest and sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself. Maybe tomorrow things will be better…Please God!!!!

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected.  My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n

 

Another busy day…

Ever since I’ve been living with my family, things have been on track. They’re great help to me since I mentioned previously that I am a single mom. We live in a decent apartment in Iasi, Romania and, through a lot of hard work, we live a pretty decent life. Of course, there are many plans for the future and many dreams waiting to be fulfilled. That doesn’t stop us from appreciating what we have now.

This coming Sunday is my baby girl’s Baptism. Naturally, there are a lot of things to plan and get done: my baby’s outfit,  my outfit, the Godparents, the church, the venue for the lunch after the service etc. I’m pretty much in over my head!

For those of you wondering where the father of my child is  I’m only going to say this: he just isn’t part of our lives. Out of respect for him and for my own privacy, I will not give details. I provide for my child alone and I’m proud to say that she has everything she needs. I just want to give a huge shout out to all you single parents: YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU DO A FANTASTIC JOB!!!! Don’t ever, not even for a fraction of a second, doubt yourselves. I know it’s hard and frustrating and lonely! Don’t forget to stop once in a while to enjoy your kids! They won’t be kids forever…

This blog post seems to be as chaotic as my day. I’m all over the damn place, but it’s ok. Some days will be like this. Chaos is just part of life and I’ve learned to not feel ashamed or embarrassed and neither should you. Maybe  should just stop typing for now lol.

 

 

Intro

I created this blog about 2 weeks ago and this is the first time I’m posting. I’m not really sure if you are reading this or if you will ever read this, but here it goes.

My name is Olga and I live in a small European country called Romania. I’m a single mother of a gorgeous baby girl. I’ve had many jobs in my life time and one of them was webcam modeling. I know, I know…outrageous and controversial. Why did I choose this? Simple…money. Did it help? Yes! Was it worth it? No! Throughout my posts here, I will touch base on this subject and how it had affected my life and the way I view life. Probably this is the main reason I decided to create this blog.

I am here not claiming to be a writer. I’m here to find out who I really am! As the blog title says – “A Mother And A Woman In Love”. I’m in love with life even if right now it seems a bit chaotic. I really love this journey as difficult as it seemed to be at times. I want to stay in love and I want to find my true self again. In this moment, I feel lost.

This is a challenge to myself and whoever wants to join in: 365 days,  posts  in which I talk honestly about everything and make peace with whatever I need to make peace with. If you need someone to listen and join you in your journey to your true self – I am here to listen actively to you. I am curious to see where it takes us so here goes nothing…001

 

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