Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.
What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.
The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.
Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man. I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.
I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.
These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective isn’t less valid.
I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.
Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.