Higher And Higher

I write once in a while on here. Not nearly as much as I would like, but….oh well…life…
I mostly write when I feel the need to just put my thoughts in black and white. Life is moving. Life is happening and, for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I feel like it’s moving in the right direction.
Plans, dreams, a shitload of work have a totally different meaning when you have someone by your side making everithing worth every second. I’m not going to just say that everything is oh so easy. It’s not and, sometimes, it’s borderline agony….BUT the end game makes all the tough decisions easy to make.
It’s an extraordinary feeling to find that someone you care pour your soul to… Who accepts you for who and what you are… Who turns all the bad into good and pain into happiness… Who just loves you at you worst and best…Who is willing and does everything they possibly can to make your life easier…
It’s an extraordinary feeling when you know you belong to someone, when someone wants you imperfect as you are and that special someone sees the very best in you and helps it blossom…
I’m one of the lucky ones and “happy” has an whole new definition because of him…
As corny as it might sound, after a lifetime I feel like I can finally begin…

Advertisements

Raw

It’s just that – raw emotion…

I used to think that love is just this feeling you get once in a while when things are good, nice and easy. In the back of my mind, I always knew it was more than that, but I let inside and outside influences convince me otherwise. Then again, before I was in love with the idea of love and not the actual person.

Now, I find myself…overwhelmed. When you know down to the marrow that you have that right person, when every cell in your body screams that person’s name, when every second that you spend with your one makes you want to stay just a little longer and even that is not enough, when it hits you so hard it hurts but it’s a pain you crave, when you’re willing to fight and push through everything just to be with your one, when you would do anything and be anything that person needs you to be no questions asked – that’s the raw core of love and it’s intense.

When you truly have found “The One”, don’t expect it to be like a red carpet event or what you see in movies. It’s nothing glamorous, nor it should be. It’s that one person you face as your true self because all your walls just naturally fall. Facing someone in our bare state is the scariest thing, but somehow with him/her it’s easy. You feel safe and protected.

It’s not easy to explain it…This is just my take on it from what I am experiencing right now. I never really thought I would ever have this in my life. I sort of felt that it’s just an urban myth…until one day when I just knew.

I’m all for finding a rational explanation for pretty much everything. This doesn’t have one. All I know is that I’m lucky and humbled by it…who would have known?

It’s Been A While…

…since I last wrote on here…

A lot of this have been going on. A lot of emotions to deal with and, if you’re like me, you need a moment to process everything before you can get a clear head.

Was thinking this morning about how a simple concept like “what’s right and what’s wrong” changes throughout the years. When I met the father of my daughter, I was very young. I was 18 years old. By that age, I already had been through enough and he became my hope for escape. He became the only stable person in my life. The problem was – I had no idea what stability meant. Nonetheless, at 18 that felt right. I was happy without me actually knowing what happiness was. Even that changed.

What I thought was happiness back then meant small moments here and there which I would mentally amplify to make them seem bigger than they actually were. It meant settling for very little because…oh well, at least I had that. I will not bash him as, without him, my daughter would not exist. Bottom line is – the relationship was beyond toxic, but, with my background, I thought it was enough. Deep down, I knew better. Just the idea of getting out of my comfort zone scared me. It’s not easy to do that.

I, eventually, did get out of my comfort zone and now, almost 10 years later, I see a significant change within myself. Aside from me learning what love is and how it’s suppose to be, I learned to accept true happiness.

Love and happiness are not hidden and kept only for a select group of people. I found them in the most unexpected place. I found them in one person (leaving motherhood aside for a second). And, in him, I find them every single day.

What was right 10 years ago and what’s right now are light-years apart. Now it’s about support, friendship, passion, partnership, acceptance, playfulness, humor, honor, trust, loyalty and last but not least…true love.

This is right!

The Aftermath…

….of the #outthem

It’s been a while since that happened and since I posted. I kept getting messages and reading comments about that little stunt that guy pulled on my page. Some people got what I tried to do, some didn’t. Curious enough – the people who didn’t are mostly men. You know, if I were a guy – I’d be a little ticked off about this because yahoos like this give men a bad name. Aren’t you guys tired to hear at every corner that all men are pigs? I sure as hell am. Just because there are a few out there who need to grow a pair, does not mean there are not wonderful men in this world. Unfortunately those have it hard.

So…back to the point… I was reading through the messages and the men who were bashing me were telling me that he meant it as a compliment and that I should be flattered. I’m sorry, what? Since when vulgar, sexual comments are compliments? Oh, oh , oh I see..he’s attracted to me. That’s fine! What’s not fine is him objectifying me while trying to express that. I swear sometimes I think the Do-Do bird laid one too many eggs…

Bottom line is that retaliating when being disrespected is a perfectly acceptable reaction. Nothing wrong with biting someone’s head off when they deserve it. Nothing wrong in holding someone accountable when they screw up. The problem today is that people expect and feel entitled to get away with the shit they do and that is reflected in our kid’s education. If I had a dollar for every child under the age of 5 who I saw being a rude and spoiled brad, I’d drive a Porsche Cayenne. Can I blame the child? No because the parents are the same.  Kids learn 80% from what they see. Trust me, if you think your kid is not paying attention to you, think again. He is absorbing everything you do and say and it will bite you in the ass one day. I have a 6 month old. She is teething, but she has no teeth yet and she chews. She learned to chew from me. When we eat, she is in the high chair and I am sitting across from her and she saw me chewing and she started to mimic the motion. Monkey see, monkey do! That’s the first stage of learning and our kids will always try to copy us.

So that guy has that sense of entitlement. He said what he said without hiding and felt entitled to a positive response because that’s how he was taught. That’s what a lot of men his age do and that’s what’s trending in our society. Sadly, he didn’t take anything constructive away from this situation and the fact that he won’t do it again to me does not make me feel warm and fuzzy. He will do it again to some other girl and what ruffles my feathers is that a lot of women think they just need to brush it off.

The world would be a much better place if we didn’t brush anything off but, instead, we would tackle every single issue – big or microscopic – head on and we would stop shitting ourselves every time we’re being confronted.

Anyway…this is my ramble for tonight..

 

Kind Or Nice?

What would you rather be – kind or nice? These two sound very similar, but are totally different things. People seem to misuse these terms quite a bit so let me enlighten you.

Nice is being agreeable. Essentially, you make everyone else feel comfortable except yourself. You keep your mouth shut and bow down your head just to avoid confrontation and/or conflict. Nothing wrong with being nice once in a while, but there is something really wrong with overdoing it.

Kind is doing the right thing regardless of who is uncomfortable. It means fighting for what’s right without stomping on people. Treating people with dignity and respect while still calling them out on their bullshit. Kind is staying firm in what you believe and not compromising on your values.

After outing the guy who posted that vulgar comment on my photo on facebook, I was accused of not being kind when in actuality – I think the person was trying to say that I wasn’t nice. True! I wasn’t nice! It wasn’t nice of me to expose the guy. I was kind! All I did was to just post a screenshot with the hashtag #outthem hoping that he’ll learn something from this. I did not – in anyway shape or form – attack him. Funny thing is that most accusations of me not being kind came from men when – if I were a dude – I’d be pretty pissed of since guys like this give the rest of the men out there a bad name.

It’s funny how people have very little to say when a woman is being attacked, but a WHOLE LOT to say when she retaliates. No offence, but I will not stay silent. I would much rather be labeled as a drama queen than be that woman who keeps her mouth shut hoping that my daughter will not have to put up with this. In all actuality, I do hope she does have to go through this so she can apply the things she’ll learn from me. I do hope I’ll be smart enough to teach her that she can fight back as loud as she wants while being kind, that retaliating or calling someone out is not WRONG! No, it’s not wrong to stand up for yourself.

Keeping my mouth shut makes me nice, but I would much rather be kind!

#outthem

So.. I posted a photo on Facebook sometime ago with me and my baby. Nothing special about it. All good till one dude decides it’s ok to post a comment that sounded something like this and I will not censor it – “I would fuck you so hard it’s not even funny. Is your pussy ready for me?”. Yeah…yes I know this dude. We actually went to college together and he never seemed to be THAT guy.

I immediately took a screenshot of that and posted it with the hashtag in the title. Not long after I get a message from him in which he called me out. We dude – you’re calling me out – I’m here to meet you! He said that he thought the comment wasn’t inappropriate in any way and that there is nothing wrong with him expressing his sexual attraction towards me. I told him that having a filter goes a long way and that I will not take own the screenshot. I don’t think I need to say what happened after I posted that. A lot of women posted screenshots of their experiences.

Ladies – this is not ok. If there is something I’ve learned in this life is to take no shit from anyone. I don’t care who it is. If you decide to be a shithead – be ready to take the consequences. Don’t expect to put your hand on the stove and not get burned amigo. If your mommy didn’t teach you how to behave, then I will and it will be a lesson you’ll never forget.

I got a little carried away and I sent that screenshot to his mother, sister, girlfriend, best friend, brother, grandmother…pretty much everyone that mattered in his list. What makes me damn proud of my girls is that they finally had the courage to not stay silent. Keeping quiet about this shit is pretty much saying that it’s ok when it’s not. Put it out there for everyone to see. Expose them and maybe, just maybe, one or two of these humanoids can be salvaged. Maybe one or two will learn something.

As a man – you should treat a woman the same way you would like your mother or daughter to be treated. Nothing less than that. We are not objects and we don’t have to put up with your crap in any way shape or form. So lose the entitlement and grow a pair of balls and act like a damn man. Nice guys don’t finish last!

Life As A Single Parent – I

Ok, so as promised, every Tuesday from now on, I will be posting my thoughts, challenges, struggles and joys of being a single parent. Lets get into it.

Firstly, I became a single parent the second I found out I was pregnant. I carried the pregnancy without the father in the picture. That’s actually the moment I became a parent even though my baby was not yet born. I felt it was important for me to point that out because people think that parenting starts when the baby is born which is downright false. This journey starts the second you find out there’s a bun in the oven. It should be a happy moment, exciting, but it wasn’t like that for me.

I was terrified. I was scared down to my marrow. Not only because it was an unexpected pregnancy, but because I got left in the cold by the father with no explanation. I will not start bashing him or anything because there is no point in doing that. I’m just pointing out how I felt. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was to go to the doctor and do everything I was told. I started reading book after book on babies and parenting. I watched hours and hours of videos. In other words, I literally devoured every piece of information I could possibly get on pregnancy, child birth and parenting. It made me feel like I was progressing, like I was doing something for this baby.

Then I started shopping like crazy and I bought insane amounts of baby stuff and I ended up giving half of those away because I didn’t need all of them. To sum up, I became a maniac. Everything I was doing had a fear base. I was scared, I was emotionally stressed, I was struggling to maintain a facade in front of my family and friends, but inside I was going nuts.

Let me tell you this, everything I did was utterly useless because, the day my baby was born, everything I had read about didn’t apply. I realized I had bought stuff I didn’t need. I also realized that I GOT THIS. I instinctively knew what to do and ending each day with her sleeping peacefully, changed, fed and loved made me feel victorious. Sounds cheesy but it’s true.

My daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom. She needs a sane mom. My daughter needs to be loved and nurtured. She needs to know that I will always be there for her. She needs ME and I am enough for her.

That’s what our kids need. They need us as flawed as we are. Yes we will fuck up – royally at times – but as long as it comes from a place of love – everything can be repaired. Each day is a new start. Treat things like that and you’ll see a major difference in your parenting. And in those insanely frustrating moments when you have no idea what to do to get your baby to stop crying, when things seem like they’re falling apart and your entire world in crumbling – I want you to know this – NOTHING IS PERMANENT! Add “right now” to each sentence and you’ll understand what I’m saying. For example – “My baby is crying RIGHT NOW!”, “My house is messy RIGHT NOW!”, “Everything seems to be falling apart RIGHT NOW!” See what I mean? Circumstances are always changing which makes everything impossible to stand still. Therefor nothing is permanent so stop treating everything like it’s going to last forever. Trust me, your life will become much easier and you will be able to find joy again. That’s what’s important at the end of the day!

So love fiercely and remember that you too matter and everything will fall into place.

Till next Tuesday!

I’m A Fabulous Dumbass!

Yes, you read correctly! I’m a fabulous dumbass! Still fabulous though…I’m a happy dumbass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting myself down at all. I’m proud for being a dumbass. By being a dumbass, I learn everyday, I human and that’s beautiful. See? I’m fabulous, happy, proud and beautiful! What more could I possibly want?

I do want something actually. I want to continue being happy, I want to provide a happy life for my daughter, I want to fulfill a few dreams I have this year. I just have that gut feeling that things are finally falling into place. After a huge storm, finally the sun comes through. And no, to answer a question I received from a reader, there is no special someone. That’s in the works *wink*. Ladies, if you un-squint your eyes, you’ll see how many offers are out there and some of them are actually worth your attention. Not all men are pigs! Some of them can be pretty nasty (so can women), but there are some really good people out there for those who have eyes to see.

I also received another question from a reader or a request – to talk about being a single parent. I will elaborate on that topic in the next post. This is just me acknowledging that request and yes I will tend to that subject as it is a very deep one. There are many women and men who are single parents and bloggers who talk about this. I guess people need to find one person that resonates with them. I know that was what I needed when I was pregnant. So yes, I will honor that on Tuesday’s post. Now thinking about it, one post it’s not enough to talk about that so maybe I should start some sort of a series – every Tuesday a single parenting post.

I’ve got a few more requests which thrills me. Makes me think I’m not just sending things into a giant void. I will tackle each and every one of them and some of them I will turn them into series since the topics are very broad.

So that’s pretty much it for this one. I know it’s short, I just felt like writing.

What The Holy Fuck???

Have you ever had that moment when you feel like knowing more about someone and you google their name not really expecting to find anything you didn’t already know and your jaw just drops???

Well – it just happened to me. I will not reveal the identity of that person. Lets just say he was – to some extent – a part of my life. I was just bored and thought about googling this guy’s name. I found stuff I already knew, but something felt a bit off. Maybe my gut instinct started acting up so I decided to google the nickname they use on social media and that’s when things got interesting.

It’s important to mention that this person is no longer part of my life. Still, finding out that this guy has been lying about his age disgusts me to the marrow. Other stuff is equally as important, but the age aspect is the most sickening part. Yes, you guessed right – he is much older than he claimed, MUCH older. Just to confirm I did a few reverse checks online, given the fact that I have quite some info on him, and everything seems to click. It’s hard not to jump to conclusions, I cannot say I’m 100% sure about everything but I’m 85% sure.

I guess he nerve thought I would actually check. No idea, my mind is still racing right now. At first, I wanted to confront him about everything, but I quickly changed my mind because it doesn’t really matter anymore. All I can say about this entire situation is that karma is a bitch and he will be hit at some point. Sooner or later I do un-squint my eyes and actually see what it is to see.

Ok, I’ll end this here because I don’t want to end up writing more than I set out to do. I’m not here to potentially ruin someone’s life. I just wanted to let it out. Be careful on the internet as you never know who’s on the other side of the screen…

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started