So yeah….the past 2 weeks I have been slacking royally on my writing. It’s been sitting on my mind every day but I just couldn’t find time to sit down and gather my thoughts (something I haven’t been managing to do lately – I’ve been all over the fucking place).
Some things have changed. I got a job as a SEO Analyst and Coder for a US company. No, I am not in the US. Still living in Romania and working remotely. Dividing my time has proven to be a major challenge.
Have you ever had that feeling of failure to the point of desperation? Like nothing you do is good enough and you keep disappointing the people you love the most no matter how hard you try to do best by them? Well that’s how I feel and how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. I feel like like a bad mother, crappy girlfriend, a complete loser. I have no logical reason to feel that way: my daughter is taken care of and loved even when she’s screaming so hard it’s pushing me to the verge of jumping out the window, my boyfriend is a very understanding and kind man, my father gladly helps me with whatever he can although I, sometimes, think I take advantage of him.
I honestly try my best every day to balance everything and I am coming to realize I was never prepared for this. It makes me resent all those years spent in school. Where’s my math teacher or chemistry teacher now? They were so quick on explaining to me why it’s so important for me to learn trigonometry and organic fusions. What good are those to me now? They don’t feed my kid or help me keep my sanity. What’s the point of all of that when at the end of the day you realize you were never really prepared for life?
I am not nor will ever be perfect. It doesn’t really help to have that shoved in my face every day. My kid doesn’t understand mommy is tired and needs a break. My boyfriend, as loving and understanding as he can be, has all the right in the world to get frustrated with this. We already have the pressure of a long distance relationship. And he loves me, I know he does and I love him very much, but this doesn’t make it fair to him. He deserves the 100% of me same as my daughter deserves 100% of me and, right now, I feel like I am failing royally.
Anyway….here’s “my boo-hoo-hoo my life’s so hard” post. I promised I’ll be honest and sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself. Maybe tomorrow things will be better…Please God!!!!


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