The Aftermath…

….of the #outthem

It’s been a while since that happened and since I posted. I kept getting messages and reading comments about that little stunt that guy pulled on my page. Some people got what I tried to do, some didn’t. Curious enough – the people who didn’t are mostly men. You know, if I were a guy – I’d be a little ticked off about this because yahoos like this give men a bad name. Aren’t you guys tired to hear at every corner that all men are pigs? I sure as hell am. Just because there are a few out there who need to grow a pair, does not mean there are not wonderful men in this world. Unfortunately those have it hard.

So…back to the point… I was reading through the messages and the men who were bashing me were telling me that he meant it as a compliment and that I should be flattered. I’m sorry, what? Since when vulgar, sexual comments are compliments? Oh, oh , oh I see..he’s attracted to me. That’s fine! What’s not fine is him objectifying me while trying to express that. I swear sometimes I think the Do-Do bird laid one too many eggs…

Bottom line is that retaliating when being disrespected is a perfectly acceptable reaction. Nothing wrong with biting someone’s head off when they deserve it. Nothing wrong in holding someone accountable when they screw up. The problem today is that people expect and feel entitled to get away with the shit they do and that is reflected in our kid’s education. If I had a dollar for every child under the age of 5 who I saw being a rude and spoiled brad, I’d drive a Porsche Cayenne. Can I blame the child? No because the parents are the same.  Kids learn 80% from what they see. Trust me, if you think your kid is not paying attention to you, think again. He is absorbing everything you do and say and it will bite you in the ass one day. I have a 6 month old. She is teething, but she has no teeth yet and she chews. She learned to chew from me. When we eat, she is in the high chair and I am sitting across from her and she saw me chewing and she started to mimic the motion. Monkey see, monkey do! That’s the first stage of learning and our kids will always try to copy us.

So that guy has that sense of entitlement. He said what he said without hiding and felt entitled to a positive response because that’s how he was taught. That’s what a lot of men his age do and that’s what’s trending in our society. Sadly, he didn’t take anything constructive away from this situation and the fact that he won’t do it again to me does not make me feel warm and fuzzy. He will do it again to some other girl and what ruffles my feathers is that a lot of women think they just need to brush it off.

The world would be a much better place if we didn’t brush anything off but, instead, we would tackle every single issue – big or microscopic – head on and we would stop shitting ourselves every time we’re being confronted.

Anyway…this is my ramble for tonight..

 

Advertisements

Life As A Single Parent – I

Ok, so as promised, every Tuesday from now on, I will be posting my thoughts, challenges, struggles and joys of being a single parent. Lets get into it.

Firstly, I became a single parent the second I found out I was pregnant. I carried the pregnancy without the father in the picture. That’s actually the moment I became a parent even though my baby was not yet born. I felt it was important for me to point that out because people think that parenting starts when the baby is born which is downright false. This journey starts the second you find out there’s a bun in the oven. It should be a happy moment, exciting, but it wasn’t like that for me.

I was terrified. I was scared down to my marrow. Not only because it was an unexpected pregnancy, but because I got left in the cold by the father with no explanation. I will not start bashing him or anything because there is no point in doing that. I’m just pointing out how I felt. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was to go to the doctor and do everything I was told. I started reading book after book on babies and parenting. I watched hours and hours of videos. In other words, I literally devoured every piece of information I could possibly get on pregnancy, child birth and parenting. It made me feel like I was progressing, like I was doing something for this baby.

Then I started shopping like crazy and I bought insane amounts of baby stuff and I ended up giving half of those away because I didn’t need all of them. To sum up, I became a maniac. Everything I was doing had a fear base. I was scared, I was emotionally stressed, I was struggling to maintain a facade in front of my family and friends, but inside I was going nuts.

Let me tell you this, everything I did was utterly useless because, the day my baby was born, everything I had read about didn’t apply. I realized I had bought stuff I didn’t need. I also realized that I GOT THIS. I instinctively knew what to do and ending each day with her sleeping peacefully, changed, fed and loved made me feel victorious. Sounds cheesy but it’s true.

My daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom. She needs a sane mom. My daughter needs to be loved and nurtured. She needs to know that I will always be there for her. She needs ME and I am enough for her.

That’s what our kids need. They need us as flawed as we are. Yes we will fuck up – royally at times – but as long as it comes from a place of love – everything can be repaired. Each day is a new start. Treat things like that and you’ll see a major difference in your parenting. And in those insanely frustrating moments when you have no idea what to do to get your baby to stop crying, when things seem like they’re falling apart and your entire world in crumbling – I want you to know this – NOTHING IS PERMANENT! Add “right now” to each sentence and you’ll understand what I’m saying. For example – “My baby is crying RIGHT NOW!”, “My house is messy RIGHT NOW!”, “Everything seems to be falling apart RIGHT NOW!” See what I mean? Circumstances are always changing which makes everything impossible to stand still. Therefor nothing is permanent so stop treating everything like it’s going to last forever. Trust me, your life will become much easier and you will be able to find joy again. That’s what’s important at the end of the day!

So love fiercely and remember that you too matter and everything will fall into place.

Till next Tuesday!

What The Holy Fuck???

Have you ever had that moment when you feel like knowing more about someone and you google their name not really expecting to find anything you didn’t already know and your jaw just drops???

Well – it just happened to me. I will not reveal the identity of that person. Lets just say he was – to some extent – a part of my life. I was just bored and thought about googling this guy’s name. I found stuff I already knew, but something felt a bit off. Maybe my gut instinct started acting up so I decided to google the nickname they use on social media and that’s when things got interesting.

It’s important to mention that this person is no longer part of my life. Still, finding out that this guy has been lying about his age disgusts me to the marrow. Other stuff is equally as important, but the age aspect is the most sickening part. Yes, you guessed right – he is much older than he claimed, MUCH older. Just to confirm I did a few reverse checks online, given the fact that I have quite some info on him, and everything seems to click. It’s hard not to jump to conclusions, I cannot say I’m 100% sure about everything but I’m 85% sure.

I guess he nerve thought I would actually check. No idea, my mind is still racing right now. At first, I wanted to confront him about everything, but I quickly changed my mind because it doesn’t really matter anymore. All I can say about this entire situation is that karma is a bitch and he will be hit at some point. Sooner or later I do un-squint my eyes and actually see what it is to see.

Ok, I’ll end this here because I don’t want to end up writing more than I set out to do. I’m not here to potentially ruin someone’s life. I just wanted to let it out. Be careful on the internet as you never know who’s on the other side of the screen…

Sometimes It Doesn’t Hurt…

…to be a little narcissistic.

Let’s face it! We have a pretty decent dose in us and there is nothing wrong with that. We all like to know we are loved. We all smile between our tears when someone has lost us and we all have people in our lives who are damn lucky to have met us.

It doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves, once in a while, of our worth. We live in a society filled with people ready to crush us every day – be it on a personal level or a professional level. I lost count how many times I’ve had doors slammed in my face or have been told “it’s impossible!”. I’ve lost count of how many people walked out of my life only to return at one point or another regretting the decision. The last one has happened every single time without exception. I’m not the greatest person in the world, but I do add value to a person’s life. I’m not perfect and God knows I’ve hurt people unintentionally, but when the line is drawn there was always more good than bad because I strive to make it that way. Guessing all of us do that.

So yes, as arrogant and narcissistic as it sounds, people who have met me and took the time to get to know me are lucky bastards. People who have walked away firstly thinking – “good riddance” – ended up returning to my life wanting back. How’s that for an ego boost?

So yes, looking at things from this perspective, helps me validate myself and there is nothing wrong with that. Society today has implemented in our minds that truly valuing ourselves is wrong. Now that’s a fucking lie!!!! I’ve wasted years of my life downgrading myself just to be socially accepted. Fuck that shit! Bitch, I’m fabulous! :))))

So, to conclude this, Here’s to he lucky bastards who’ve met me, spent time with me, lost me! Here’s to the ones who will eventually come back! I’m not holding my breath waiting – never have and never will! Cheers!

Warm And Fuzy

Ok so I skipped a day because I woke up dying of stomach cramps. By noon yesterday, I managed to straighten myself to a standing position and get my kid and myself dressed and I went to visit her Godparents.

Maria, the Godmother, wanted to host a lunch at her place with her family and she pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into coming. She did the right thing!!! Waking up feeling like shit didn’t have to dictate the rest of my day.

I must say it was a very enjoyable afternoon. They are a simple family, with simple people. What I love about them is their capability to make anyone feel extremely welcome and like your presence matters with them. They have such a warmth about them it’s unreal. Me and Maria have been friends for about 8 years. We met in college and became friends from day 1. Our dream was for us to officially become family and 2018 was the year when that was possible. She did me the extraordinary honor of baptizing my child and, for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

She is the only person who can restore my faith in humanity by just breathing. There are very few genuinely good people I’ve had the chance to meet in this lifetime and, thank God, I managed to make them my friends. She accepted me in a way only my parents did. I should introduce her to everyone. She can finds the best in everything, focuses on that and brings it out. She’s been there for me in many rock-bottom moments in my life and knew exactly what to tell me to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. I’ve learned a lot from her throughout the years and I truly look up to her.

So my afternoon was filled with food (thank God lol), laughter, watching the kids play and genuine quality time. Everyone needs a Maria in their lives.

 

 

Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful  for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

Right Now

I had a good talk with a very close and dear friend of mine today. And we talked about recent past and everything and he looked into my eyes and said – “I am so proud of you! You have come such a long way in a short amount of time it’s unbelievable, but I believe it because it’s you!”. And for the first time in my life, I believed it myself. Yes, I have come a long way in a short amount of time because nothing is ever permanent. Everything is moving and shifting constantly. Time is not an enemy, time is actually our best friend because it’s allows space for change.

Just a week ago, a month ago, I was in a really bad place. My life sucked, I sucked and I hated myself and my circumstances with a passion beyond explanation. I felt like a failure in every sense of the word. I felt defeated by life even if everything was actually moving in the right direction. Most importantly, I felt like nothing was ever going to change which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish I had someone in my life to take my hand and tell me that everything that I was feeling was a “right now” thing. That nothing is permanent and that everything is ever changing. I had someone who told me that nothing is ever certain but that depressed me even more because it comes from a negative perspective.

Everything is changing which of course means that it can go both ways – for the better or for the worse. It all depends on what you focus on. I made my choice and I’m not looking back. And yes, I’ll be having bad moments and bad circumstances, like right now my kid has a cold and so do I. This is not permanent – she will get better and so will I. It’s just a “right now” situation.

Anyways, I’m rambling. Bottom line is that everything will always change for the better if you focus on that.

Life

Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.

What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.

The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.

Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man.  I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.

I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.

These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective  isn’t less valid.

I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.

Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby,  took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started