Higher And Higher

I write once in a while on here. Not nearly as much as I would like, but….oh well…life…
I mostly write when I feel the need to just put my thoughts in black and white. Life is moving. Life is happening and, for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I feel like it’s moving in the right direction.
Plans, dreams, a shitload of work have a totally different meaning when you have someone by your side making everithing worth every second. I’m not going to just say that everything is oh so easy. It’s not and, sometimes, it’s borderline agony….BUT the end game makes all the tough decisions easy to make.
It’s an extraordinary feeling to find that someone you care pour your soul to… Who accepts you for who and what you are… Who turns all the bad into good and pain into happiness… Who just loves you at you worst and best…Who is willing and does everything they possibly can to make your life easier…
It’s an extraordinary feeling when you know you belong to someone, when someone wants you imperfect as you are and that special someone sees the very best in you and helps it blossom…
I’m one of the lucky ones and “happy” has an whole new definition because of him…
As corny as it might sound, after a lifetime I feel like I can finally begin…

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It’s Been A While…

…since I last wrote on here…

A lot of this have been going on. A lot of emotions to deal with and, if you’re like me, you need a moment to process everything before you can get a clear head.

Was thinking this morning about how a simple concept like “what’s right and what’s wrong” changes throughout the years. When I met the father of my daughter, I was very young. I was 18 years old. By that age, I already had been through enough and he became my hope for escape. He became the only stable person in my life. The problem was – I had no idea what stability meant. Nonetheless, at 18 that felt right. I was happy without me actually knowing what happiness was. Even that changed.

What I thought was happiness back then meant small moments here and there which I would mentally amplify to make them seem bigger than they actually were. It meant settling for very little because…oh well, at least I had that. I will not bash him as, without him, my daughter would not exist. Bottom line is – the relationship was beyond toxic, but, with my background, I thought it was enough. Deep down, I knew better. Just the idea of getting out of my comfort zone scared me. It’s not easy to do that.

I, eventually, did get out of my comfort zone and now, almost 10 years later, I see a significant change within myself. Aside from me learning what love is and how it’s suppose to be, I learned to accept true happiness.

Love and happiness are not hidden and kept only for a select group of people. I found them in the most unexpected place. I found them in one person (leaving motherhood aside for a second). And, in him, I find them every single day.

What was right 10 years ago and what’s right now are light-years apart. Now it’s about support, friendship, passion, partnership, acceptance, playfulness, humor, honor, trust, loyalty and last but not least…true love.

This is right!

#outthem

So.. I posted a photo on Facebook sometime ago with me and my baby. Nothing special about it. All good till one dude decides it’s ok to post a comment that sounded something like this and I will not censor it – “I would fuck you so hard it’s not even funny. Is your pussy ready for me?”. Yeah…yes I know this dude. We actually went to college together and he never seemed to be THAT guy.

I immediately took a screenshot of that and posted it with the hashtag in the title. Not long after I get a message from him in which he called me out. We dude – you’re calling me out – I’m here to meet you! He said that he thought the comment wasn’t inappropriate in any way and that there is nothing wrong with him expressing his sexual attraction towards me. I told him that having a filter goes a long way and that I will not take own the screenshot. I don’t think I need to say what happened after I posted that. A lot of women posted screenshots of their experiences.

Ladies – this is not ok. If there is something I’ve learned in this life is to take no shit from anyone. I don’t care who it is. If you decide to be a shithead – be ready to take the consequences. Don’t expect to put your hand on the stove and not get burned amigo. If your mommy didn’t teach you how to behave, then I will and it will be a lesson you’ll never forget.

I got a little carried away and I sent that screenshot to his mother, sister, girlfriend, best friend, brother, grandmother…pretty much everyone that mattered in his list. What makes me damn proud of my girls is that they finally had the courage to not stay silent. Keeping quiet about this shit is pretty much saying that it’s ok when it’s not. Put it out there for everyone to see. Expose them and maybe, just maybe, one or two of these humanoids can be salvaged. Maybe one or two will learn something.

As a man – you should treat a woman the same way you would like your mother or daughter to be treated. Nothing less than that. We are not objects and we don’t have to put up with your crap in any way shape or form. So lose the entitlement and grow a pair of balls and act like a damn man. Nice guys don’t finish last!

I’m A Fabulous Dumbass!

Yes, you read correctly! I’m a fabulous dumbass! Still fabulous though…I’m a happy dumbass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting myself down at all. I’m proud for being a dumbass. By being a dumbass, I learn everyday, I human and that’s beautiful. See? I’m fabulous, happy, proud and beautiful! What more could I possibly want?

I do want something actually. I want to continue being happy, I want to provide a happy life for my daughter, I want to fulfill a few dreams I have this year. I just have that gut feeling that things are finally falling into place. After a huge storm, finally the sun comes through. And no, to answer a question I received from a reader, there is no special someone. That’s in the works *wink*. Ladies, if you un-squint your eyes, you’ll see how many offers are out there and some of them are actually worth your attention. Not all men are pigs! Some of them can be pretty nasty (so can women), but there are some really good people out there for those who have eyes to see.

I also received another question from a reader or a request – to talk about being a single parent. I will elaborate on that topic in the next post. This is just me acknowledging that request and yes I will tend to that subject as it is a very deep one. There are many women and men who are single parents and bloggers who talk about this. I guess people need to find one person that resonates with them. I know that was what I needed when I was pregnant. So yes, I will honor that on Tuesday’s post. Now thinking about it, one post it’s not enough to talk about that so maybe I should start some sort of a series – every Tuesday a single parenting post.

I’ve got a few more requests which thrills me. Makes me think I’m not just sending things into a giant void. I will tackle each and every one of them and some of them I will turn them into series since the topics are very broad.

So that’s pretty much it for this one. I know it’s short, I just felt like writing.

What The Holy Fuck???

Have you ever had that moment when you feel like knowing more about someone and you google their name not really expecting to find anything you didn’t already know and your jaw just drops???

Well – it just happened to me. I will not reveal the identity of that person. Lets just say he was – to some extent – a part of my life. I was just bored and thought about googling this guy’s name. I found stuff I already knew, but something felt a bit off. Maybe my gut instinct started acting up so I decided to google the nickname they use on social media and that’s when things got interesting.

It’s important to mention that this person is no longer part of my life. Still, finding out that this guy has been lying about his age disgusts me to the marrow. Other stuff is equally as important, but the age aspect is the most sickening part. Yes, you guessed right – he is much older than he claimed, MUCH older. Just to confirm I did a few reverse checks online, given the fact that I have quite some info on him, and everything seems to click. It’s hard not to jump to conclusions, I cannot say I’m 100% sure about everything but I’m 85% sure.

I guess he nerve thought I would actually check. No idea, my mind is still racing right now. At first, I wanted to confront him about everything, but I quickly changed my mind because it doesn’t really matter anymore. All I can say about this entire situation is that karma is a bitch and he will be hit at some point. Sooner or later I do un-squint my eyes and actually see what it is to see.

Ok, I’ll end this here because I don’t want to end up writing more than I set out to do. I’m not here to potentially ruin someone’s life. I just wanted to let it out. Be careful on the internet as you never know who’s on the other side of the screen…

Sometimes It Doesn’t Hurt…

…to be a little narcissistic.

Let’s face it! We have a pretty decent dose in us and there is nothing wrong with that. We all like to know we are loved. We all smile between our tears when someone has lost us and we all have people in our lives who are damn lucky to have met us.

It doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves, once in a while, of our worth. We live in a society filled with people ready to crush us every day – be it on a personal level or a professional level. I lost count how many times I’ve had doors slammed in my face or have been told “it’s impossible!”. I’ve lost count of how many people walked out of my life only to return at one point or another regretting the decision. The last one has happened every single time without exception. I’m not the greatest person in the world, but I do add value to a person’s life. I’m not perfect and God knows I’ve hurt people unintentionally, but when the line is drawn there was always more good than bad because I strive to make it that way. Guessing all of us do that.

So yes, as arrogant and narcissistic as it sounds, people who have met me and took the time to get to know me are lucky bastards. People who have walked away firstly thinking – “good riddance” – ended up returning to my life wanting back. How’s that for an ego boost?

So yes, looking at things from this perspective, helps me validate myself and there is nothing wrong with that. Society today has implemented in our minds that truly valuing ourselves is wrong. Now that’s a fucking lie!!!! I’ve wasted years of my life downgrading myself just to be socially accepted. Fuck that shit! Bitch, I’m fabulous! :))))

So, to conclude this, Here’s to he lucky bastards who’ve met me, spent time with me, lost me! Here’s to the ones who will eventually come back! I’m not holding my breath waiting – never have and never will! Cheers!

Warm And Fuzy

Ok so I skipped a day because I woke up dying of stomach cramps. By noon yesterday, I managed to straighten myself to a standing position and get my kid and myself dressed and I went to visit her Godparents.

Maria, the Godmother, wanted to host a lunch at her place with her family and she pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into coming. She did the right thing!!! Waking up feeling like shit didn’t have to dictate the rest of my day.

I must say it was a very enjoyable afternoon. They are a simple family, with simple people. What I love about them is their capability to make anyone feel extremely welcome and like your presence matters with them. They have such a warmth about them it’s unreal. Me and Maria have been friends for about 8 years. We met in college and became friends from day 1. Our dream was for us to officially become family and 2018 was the year when that was possible. She did me the extraordinary honor of baptizing my child and, for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

She is the only person who can restore my faith in humanity by just breathing. There are very few genuinely good people I’ve had the chance to meet in this lifetime and, thank God, I managed to make them my friends. She accepted me in a way only my parents did. I should introduce her to everyone. She can finds the best in everything, focuses on that and brings it out. She’s been there for me in many rock-bottom moments in my life and knew exactly what to tell me to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. I’ve learned a lot from her throughout the years and I truly look up to her.

So my afternoon was filled with food (thank God lol), laughter, watching the kids play and genuine quality time. Everyone needs a Maria in their lives.

 

 

Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful  for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

Life

Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.

What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.

The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.

Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man.  I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.

I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.

These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective  isn’t less valid.

I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.

Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.

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