This Is A Rant!

As the title says, this is a rant so bare with me. Sometime ago, I wrote about my then boyfriend. I was more in love than ever and things were good. I also admitted to being a cam model for several years and, to not sugar coat things, being a cam model means online prostitution. That’s how we met! He knew from the start what I was and I never pretended to be something else. I was pregnant while being on cam. We met when I was 8 months pregnant. In case you are wondering and since I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of, I did sex shows back then. I worked on Chaturbate and My Free Cams and I was also a trainer for new models in that particular studio.

Before being an online prostitute, I am a mother and a woman. A regular person. If you saw me on the street you couldn’t even tell that I did all of that. To take things even further (fair warning – things might get even more brutal), I used men for money. You name it and I did it on cam as a solo performer. I’m putting things out there as they are.

I went into prenatal leave and soon after had my daughter. I lost touch with him for about a month, but not completely. There still was an email here and there. During that month, the apartment above me caught fire and mine also got destroyed in that incident. I lost nearly everything. I moved in with a friend who didn’t have a very good situation, From videochat I had the money to repair my apartment but I hesitated knowing that I couldn’t stay with this friend of mine for that long with a newborn child and my dad. I wanted to rent another apartment and do the repairs slowly so I could earn enough so I wouldn’t be completely broke. My uncle encouraged me to repair my apartment stating that he would help me rent another one and get a new laptop so I could start work still in the sex industry. Him being my uncle, I trusted him so I paid the workers and everything was good. Since I had to leave my friend’s place, I was waiting for my uncle’s help so I could look for a place and rent it, but he didn’t follow through on his promise.

So here I was, broke with a newborn and my dad. I tried to find the money but no one could. So I resorted to probably the worst decision I ever made in my life – I contacted an escorting service and I was an escort for a day. In case you are wondering – YES I slept with a guy for money. Did it only once and that was it. I know, I know – unspeakable. Well there you go – I promised when I started this thing that I’ll be brutally honest.

I told the man I ended up dating about it. We weren’t dating at the time. All the details of the incident were brought up much later at his request. Still I told him EVERYTHING. I may have not made the best decisions in my life – but I never pretended to be something I’m not! I always owned up and took responsibility for my actions!

At one point, I was on the phone with him and trying to get rid of one of my accounts. He found me on the site, I explained to him why I was there. I wasn’t doing anything, just trying to get rid of it. He saw me, I wasn’t nude or performing, I was just on there to get rid of it. And he saw that!

Moving on! On and off we dated for a few months. I quit camming for him and myself. Was done with it and it became history. I started looking and got a job in coding, programming and graphic design and started working on my own affiliate marketing business. Life was good! We were using skype so he could see me and talked hours on end. After a while skype started to glitch so a few days ago we decided to drop it. I started looking for something else we could use and I found google hangouts. We kept emailing back and forth meantime.

I own a beat up old windows phone – Nokia Lumia bla bla bla. My phone has skype by default. Can’t uninstall it or do anything to it. Or maybe I can, no idea. What I tried didn’t work so I let it be not giving a shit about it. I sent him on there a message telling him how to uninstall it from his pc a day or 2 ago. That was it! Never went back on it.

Today, he pulls his skype up on his pc and sends me a message implying I was having fun or something (cam models sometimes use skype to do shows – stupid idea but they do, I never did skype shows). My laptop was in my lap, phone next to me charging – didn’t even touch the damn thing. I only picked it up when he messaged me on skype and I replied within seconds to him then moved on to email.

Apparently, when he pulled up skype (before messaging me on there) my status automatically changed from online to offline. He thought I was on there talking to others and when I saw him online, I immediately exited. For Christ Sake! I tried explaining to him and practically begged him to let me prove it. He wouldn’t hear it. No matter how much I tried he kept his own lane.

I’m not here to bash him. I’m here to rant a little. Some of you may think that because of my past I should not be trusted. Let me tell you this – I was always honest about what I did, never misled men into romance or anything. I owned up to everything I did no matter how bad or shameful. Since we started dating, I divided myself between my daughter, him, my dad, chores, cooking, managing finances, work. Did everything I could to keep everyone happy. He had full access to me whereas I didn’t. All I knew was what he told me. I only saw 2 pictures of him, never saw him on camera (I know what you’re thinking). I fell in love with a person not a body. And since he cannot defend himself, I will not go on assuming things. Innocent until proven guilty!

What I am trying to get at is why do people assume the worst in other with nothing as proof? Why compete so hard to be right? Why not take into consideration the possibility you might be wrong? Of course my status on skype jumped to offline!! I WAS OFFLINE! It’s so easy to throw people away just because of their past.

Maybe I’m getting too personal with this being the internet. At this point, I don’t really care. I’m angry and frustrated because I was bashed, accused and called horrible names no one deserves to hear for NOTHING. I’m hurt! I really do love this man even with everything that was said tonight. I also said some horrible things to him as a reaction.

It’s so easy to throw rocks! Apparently easier than watering a plant…

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Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, skyped with my boyfriend, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. My mother once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother and being IN LOVE has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life. My lovely man showed me that – as imperfect as I am – I too can be truly loved just the way I am, flaws and all.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

My grandmother told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever needs inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling – a habit I somehow managed to pick up from my boyfriend. Oh, he’ll be so proud of me lol! Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

Happy?

You know what absolutely makes my day? Knowing that in this world there is someone who loves me. That someone is a wonderful man who fell in love with me inspite of me, inspite of what I used to do, inspite of my flaws, inspite of the distance between us. Do you have any idea how good that feels? I, sure as hell, didn’t. I can’t even remember the last time I felt happy. I may have had the impression I was happy, but truly being happy, catching myself smiling like an idiot whenever I think of him or whenever we talk etc….yeah….it’s been way too long.

Only the idea that only a short while ago I was about to loose that, makes me feel like a fool. He keeps telling me that he feel lucky when in fact I am the lucky one. I’m lucky because he took the time to get to know me – the woman behind the cam model, the person behind the dumped pregnant woman, the essence behind the self defense wall. I am not an easy person to love. I’m difficult, bitchy at times, stubborn, I can be mean and…I am afraid. Most of the times, I feel like I am my own worst enemy. I’ve been dominated by fear my entire life. Do you know how difficult it can be loving a person like me? Ask my boyfriend lol. He can write a book on that.

Inspite of all the reasons I gave him to not even consider being with me, inspite of so many times when I was pushing him away, he stayed. He patiently waited for me. He CHOSE to love me so how could I not fall in love with him. He is everything I’m not, but I want to be. He’s kind, loving, caring, considerate, he has a heart of platinum, he’s in love with life, he can make me laugh like no other and he knows how to love. Sound like Price Charming, right? Well, he is my Prince Charming and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I LOVE YOU, Hun! Here’s to you!

 

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected. My boyfriend was with me via skype since he’s in the US and I’m in Romania and he was nice enough to record the ceremony. My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n

 

A ray of sunshine

Life is filled with good and bad things. That’s a given! You can’t have one without the other. Everything still is crazy over here with the baptism coming sooner than I would like it, but that’s that.

As much as I hate it, I cleaned the house and did laundry which is now sitting in a big pile on the unused side of my bed. Maybe if I just stare at them long enough they might fold themselves….maybe….a girl can only hope…and…maybe…fold the damn laundry.

Remember the guy I talked about? We started talking again. At first through email, then we moved to the phone and then skype. It was hard and, on my end, some crying (not like I haven’t been doing that for the past 2 days lol), but it was good and we’re good now whatever that means. We’ll take it day by day and just see where it goes and how it goes. But yes, I feel much better because I really did miss him. When you really miss someone, the feeling is choking, like you’re trying to swallow a hole apple. It’s even harder when you know that you’re the one who pushed them away. There’s only so much a person can handle. Paying the price is all I can do right now…

Anyway, let’s see, what else is going on…There is one event I have to perform in which I totally forgot about. I know – very professional of me – but I’ll figure it out and pull it off. Somehow, I managed to stick to this blog-ing thing. Seem to be as consistent as I set out to be when I started it.

My life’s pretty good now. Just another day…

Ohhhh if you ever want to eat something that will cause and instant orgasm in your mouth try this: melt half a pack of butter in a pan or something, add a table spoon of flour, 1 cup of milk, cheese for days, mix it all up until the cheese melts, add chilly or just plain salt and pepper and voila – cream cheese so good it will make your tongue dance lambada – fucking yummmm. I usually eat it with bread or toast, but it’s just like black – it goes with everything!

364 days…

One day down, 364 to go…

As a cam model, I got to interact with thousands of people all over the world. With some it was just about the sex show, with others was more about the conversation. It’s pretty much impossible not to get emotionally invested in this even though that’s one rule a cam model should never break. We are taught to be heartless and only look out for financial gain. So was I at the beginning. Towards the end of my cam modeling “career”, I met a man from a small town in Minnesota. I was pregnant back then and in a very dark place. He came into my chat room and started a short number of stand up comedy. It was towards the end of my shift at the studio. I got into his game, had a good laugh and left for the day. He started coming back the days that followed and we started to talk. There was something about him that drew me in.

Shortly after, I left to have my baby intending to continue camming from home. I didn’t really keep in touch with him. We had exchanged emails and phone  numbers but I was waaayyyy too busy with being a new mom. I was in survival mode. He would send me an email once in a while and I believed we talked on whatsapp once or twice. Once my baby turned 2 months or so, I created a new account on that particular site and emailed him letting him know about it. Sure enough he came into my chat room and we started to talk and joke around again. Off camera, we started emailing, texting and talking on the phone everyday.

Slowly and steadily we started to talk for hours and hours. He wasn’t much of a sleeper so the time difference wasn’t a problem. Spending a lot of time together led to us eventually falling in love. It was hard at first and we had many rocky moments, but after that everything went somewhat smoothly. For a few months, we spent almost every single moment talking via skype. We were closer and talked more than a married couple. The most time we spend together in one day was 19 and a half hours. Crazyyyy!!! I know. We just couldn’t get enough of each other.

Sounds like the perfect love story since I am planning on going to the US in a town close to where he is and our relationship had a good chance to move from online to the physical world. Sadly, this love story ended last night…and it ended bitter and ugly. We both made mistakes along the way and we both gave it a valid shot, but the distance pressure and internal issues which I will not reveal out of respect for him, brought us to a sudden and sad end.

Even if he doesn’t believe it, I really did fall in love with him and I miss him. He will always be a big part of my life and he will never be forgotten. I wish I could take back many things I’ve said and done, but I can’t. I know he loves me. Hopefully we will at some point be able to reconnect even as friends. Time will tell…

Moral of this story: Never let your fear call the shots!

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