This Is A Rant!

As the title says, this is a rant so bare with me. Sometime ago, I wrote about my then boyfriend. I was more in love than ever and things were good. I also admitted to being a cam model for several years and, to not sugar coat things, being a cam model means online prostitution. That’s how we met! He knew from the start what I was and I never pretended to be something else. I was pregnant while being on cam. We met when I was 8 months pregnant. In case you are wondering and since I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of, I did sex shows back then. I worked on Chaturbate and My Free Cams and I was also a trainer for new models in that particular studio.

Before being an online prostitute, I am a mother and a woman. A regular person. If you saw me on the street you couldn’t even tell that I did all of that. To take things even further (fair warning – things might get even more brutal), I used men for money. You name it and I did it on cam as a solo performer. I’m putting things out there as they are.

I went into prenatal leave and soon after had my daughter. I lost touch with him for about a month, but not completely. There still was an email here and there. During that month, the apartment above me caught fire and mine also got destroyed in that incident. I lost nearly everything. I moved in with a friend who didn’t have a very good situation, From videochat I had the money to repair my apartment but I hesitated knowing that I couldn’t stay with this friend of mine for that long with a newborn child and my dad. I wanted to rent another apartment and do the repairs slowly so I could earn enough so I wouldn’t be completely broke. My uncle encouraged me to repair my apartment stating that he would help me rent another one and get a new laptop so I could start work still in the sex industry. Him being my uncle, I trusted him so I paid the workers and everything was good. Since I had to leave my friend’s place, I was waiting for my uncle’s help so I could look for a place and rent it, but he didn’t follow through on his promise.

So here I was, broke with a newborn and my dad. I tried to find the money but no one could. So I resorted to probably the worst decision I ever made in my life – I contacted an escorting service and I was an escort for a day. In case you are wondering – YES I slept with a guy for money. Did it only once and that was it. I know, I know – unspeakable. Well there you go – I promised when I started this thing that I’ll be brutally honest.

I told the man I ended up dating about it. We weren’t dating at the time. All the details of the incident were brought up much later at his request. Still I told him EVERYTHING. I may have not made the best decisions in my life – but I never pretended to be something I’m not! I always owned up and took responsibility for my actions!

At one point, I was on the phone with him and trying to get rid of one of my accounts. He found me on the site, I explained to him why I was there. I wasn’t doing anything, just trying to get rid of it. He saw me, I wasn’t nude or performing, I was just on there to get rid of it. And he saw that!

Moving on! On and off we dated for a few months. I quit camming for him and myself. Was done with it and it became history. I started looking and got a job in coding, programming and graphic design and started working on my own affiliate marketing business. Life was good! We were using skype so he could see me and talked hours on end. After a while skype started to glitch so a few days ago we decided to drop it. I started looking for something else we could use and I found google hangouts. We kept emailing back and forth meantime.

I own a beat up old windows phone – Nokia Lumia bla bla bla. My phone has skype by default. Can’t uninstall it or do anything to it. Or maybe I can, no idea. What I tried didn’t work so I let it be not giving a shit about it. I sent him on there a message telling him how to uninstall it from his pc a day or 2 ago. That was it! Never went back on it.

Today, he pulls his skype up on his pc and sends me a message implying I was having fun or something (cam models sometimes use skype to do shows – stupid idea but they do, I never did skype shows). My laptop was in my lap, phone next to me charging – didn’t even touch the damn thing. I only picked it up when he messaged me on skype and I replied within seconds to him then moved on to email.

Apparently, when he pulled up skype (before messaging me on there) my status automatically changed from online to offline. He thought I was on there talking to others and when I saw him online, I immediately exited. For Christ Sake! I tried explaining to him and practically begged him to let me prove it. He wouldn’t hear it. No matter how much I tried he kept his own lane.

I’m not here to bash him. I’m here to rant a little. Some of you may think that because of my past I should not be trusted. Let me tell you this – I was always honest about what I did, never misled men into romance or anything. I owned up to everything I did no matter how bad or shameful. Since we started dating, I divided myself between my daughter, him, my dad, chores, cooking, managing finances, work. Did everything I could to keep everyone happy. He had full access to me whereas I didn’t. All I knew was what he told me. I only saw 2 pictures of him, never saw him on camera (I know what you’re thinking). I fell in love with a person not a body. And since he cannot defend himself, I will not go on assuming things. Innocent until proven guilty!

What I am trying to get at is why do people assume the worst in other with nothing as proof? Why compete so hard to be right? Why not take into consideration the possibility you might be wrong? Of course my status on skype jumped to offline!! I WAS OFFLINE! It’s so easy to throw people away just because of their past.

Maybe I’m getting too personal with this being the internet. At this point, I don’t really care. I’m angry and frustrated because I was bashed, accused and called horrible names no one deserves to hear for NOTHING. I’m hurt! I really do love this man even with everything that was said tonight. I also said some horrible things to him as a reaction.

It’s so easy to throw rocks! Apparently easier than watering a plant…


Sometimes I’m disappointed…

in people…Does the picture above raise your eyebrows? Is there anything strange in that picture? Well, please be so kind as to un – squint your damn eyes and you’ll see a bunch of Junior High boys doing a Nazi Salute!!!!

In fucking 2018, we still have yahoo behavior. In 2018, we still see ignorance when information is pretty much slapping people in the face. Again, in 2018, we see still don’t learn. Fuck trying to find a cure for cancer! How about finding a cure for stupidity? How’s that?

After the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Synagogue, this photo emerges. How fucking cool is this? The younger generation is playing Hitler. Awww…that sure can make a parent warm and fuzzy inside.

Again, why? Why is this still happening? This is a rhetorical question. In actuality, there is no possible explanation under the sun that could possibly make me understand why, after everything that’s happened  throughout history, people never learn.

I am a mother and I feel disgusted that my child has to grow up in  this world, but I hope and I will do my best in parenting my child so that she will never behave like this.


As a Christian, I want to openly apologize to the Jewish community for this behavior and I sincerely hope this will be done and over with. Sometimes people should act as if their mom’s watching over their shoulder. This world would be a much better place.Baraboo High School



Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, skyped with my boyfriend, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. My mother once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother and being IN LOVE has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life. My lovely man showed me that – as imperfect as I am – I too can be truly loved just the way I am, flaws and all.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

My grandmother told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever needs inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling – a habit I somehow managed to pick up from my boyfriend. Oh, he’ll be so proud of me lol! Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!


So yeah….the past 2 weeks I have been slacking royally on my writing. It’s been sitting on my mind every day but I just couldn’t find time to sit down and gather my thoughts (something I haven’t been managing to do lately – I’ve been all over the fucking place).
Some things have changed. I got a job as a SEO Analyst and Coder for a US company. No, I am not in the US. Still living in Romania and working remotely. Dividing my time has proven to be a major challenge.
Have you ever had that feeling of failure to the point of desperation? Like nothing you do is good enough and you keep disappointing the people you love the most no matter how hard you try to do best by them? Well that’s how I feel and how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. I feel like like a bad mother, crappy girlfriend, a complete loser. I have no logical reason to feel that way: my daughter is taken care of and loved even when she’s screaming so hard it’s pushing me to the verge of jumping out the window, my boyfriend is a very understanding and kind man, my father gladly helps me with whatever he can although I, sometimes, think I take advantage of him.
I honestly try my best every day to balance everything and I am coming to realize I was never prepared for this. It makes me resent all those years spent in school. Where’s my math teacher or chemistry teacher now? They were so quick on explaining to me why it’s so important for me to learn trigonometry and organic fusions. What good are those to me now? They don’t feed my kid or help me keep my sanity. What’s the point of all of that when at the end of the day you realize you were never really prepared for life?
I am not nor will ever be perfect. It doesn’t really help to have that shoved in my face every day. My kid doesn’t understand mommy is tired and needs a break. My boyfriend, as loving and understanding as he can be, has all the right in the world to get frustrated with this. We already have the pressure of a long distance relationship. And he loves me, I know he does and I love him very much, but this doesn’t make it fair to him. He deserves the 100% of me same as my daughter deserves 100% of me and, right now, I feel like I am failing royally.
Anyway….here’s “my boo-hoo-hoo my life’s so hard” post. I promised I’ll be honest and sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself. Maybe tomorrow things will be better…Please God!!!!

Finally over…

I won’t get into religion because it is a very sensitive topic for many people. In Orthodox faith, the Baptism involves a series of rituals. One of them is – the Godparents have to give the baby the first bath after the ceremony on the third day. Today was THAT day!

Knowing that I was expecting guests, I spent all day stressing over it. I begin each day on skype with my boyfriend and, after I had my coffee and still talking with him, I started peeling and cutting apples for 2 apple pies. After I let the apples marinate in honey and cinnamon, me and my boyfriend switched to whatsapp and I went a little crazy on shopping for the BIG evening. After that, I started a cooking like crazy while still talking to my boyfriend on skype. Thank God he talks a lot because I couldn’t focus on uttering sentences. I could only listen.

So my day was pretty hectic and tied to the kitchen – 2 apple pies, pork stake with white, dry wine and chilly and soft potatoes with butter and cheese dressing. After slaving in the kitchen all day, I had to set the table, keep my kid as calm as possible since today was that one day when she wanted her mommy all the time with her and try to look semi-decent and not like I’ve been stressing all day. Yeah right!

My daughter has a set schedule. God forbid something happens and she has to briefly adapt to a new one. That’s not going to happen and, most importantly, everyone in the damn building hears it loud and clear. So the bathing part was a total nightmare. She screamed till she turned purple. Good things was that she fell asleep right away after that.

The dinner itself went perfectly well so my stress was all for nothing, but – according to my boyfriend – I wouldn’t be me if I don’t stress.

So here I am, exhausted and trying to keep my eyes open as I type. A good evening spent with friends and…I’m so glad this is over!


You know what absolutely makes my day? Knowing that in this world there is someone who loves me. That someone is a wonderful man who fell in love with me inspite of me, inspite of what I used to do, inspite of my flaws, inspite of the distance between us. Do you have any idea how good that feels? I, sure as hell, didn’t. I can’t even remember the last time I felt happy. I may have had the impression I was happy, but truly being happy, catching myself smiling like an idiot whenever I think of him or whenever we talk etc….yeah….it’s been way too long.

Only the idea that only a short while ago I was about to loose that, makes me feel like a fool. He keeps telling me that he feel lucky when in fact I am the lucky one. I’m lucky because he took the time to get to know me – the woman behind the cam model, the person behind the dumped pregnant woman, the essence behind the self defense wall. I am not an easy person to love. I’m difficult, bitchy at times, stubborn, I can be mean and…I am afraid. Most of the times, I feel like I am my own worst enemy. I’ve been dominated by fear my entire life. Do you know how difficult it can be loving a person like me? Ask my boyfriend lol. He can write a book on that.

Inspite of all the reasons I gave him to not even consider being with me, inspite of so many times when I was pushing him away, he stayed. He patiently waited for me. He CHOSE to love me so how could I not fall in love with him. He is everything I’m not, but I want to be. He’s kind, loving, caring, considerate, he has a heart of platinum, he’s in love with life, he can make me laugh like no other and he knows how to love. Sound like Price Charming, right? Well, he is my Prince Charming and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I LOVE YOU, Hun! Here’s to you!


The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected. My boyfriend was with me via skype since he’s in the US and I’m in Romania and he was nice enough to record the ceremony. My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n


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