Warm And Fuzy

Ok so I skipped a day because I woke up dying of stomach cramps. By noon yesterday, I managed to straighten myself to a standing position and get my kid and myself dressed and I went to visit her Godparents.

Maria, the Godmother, wanted to host a lunch at her place with her family and she pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into coming. She did the right thing!!! Waking up feeling like shit didn’t have to dictate the rest of my day.

I must say it was a very enjoyable afternoon. They are a simple family, with simple people. What I love about them is their capability to make anyone feel extremely welcome and like your presence matters with them. They have such a warmth about them it’s unreal. Me and Maria have been friends for about 8 years. We met in college and became friends from day 1. Our dream was for us to officially become family and 2018 was the year when that was possible. She did me the extraordinary honor of baptizing my child and, for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

She is the only person who can restore my faith in humanity by just breathing. There are very few genuinely good people I’ve had the chance to meet in this lifetime and, thank God, I managed to make them my friends. She accepted me in a way only my parents did. I should introduce her to everyone. She can finds the best in everything, focuses on that and brings it out. She’s been there for me in many rock-bottom moments in my life and knew exactly what to tell me to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. I’ve learned a lot from her throughout the years and I truly look up to her.

So my afternoon was filled with food (thank God lol), laughter, watching the kids play and genuine quality time. Everyone needs a Maria in their lives.

January 4, 2019 0

Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

December 31, 2018 0

Right Now

I had a good talk with a very close and dear friend of mine today. And we talked about recent past and everything and he looked into my eyes and said – “I am so proud of you! You have come such a long way in a short amount of time it’s unbelievable, but I believe it because it’s you!”. And for the first time in my life, I believed it myself. Yes, I have come a long way in a short amount of time because nothing is ever permanent. Everything is moving and shifting constantly. Time is not an enemy, time is actually our best friend because it’s allows space for change.

Just a week ago, a month ago, I was in a really bad place. My life sucked, I sucked and I hated myself and my circumstances with a passion beyond explanation. I felt like a failure in every sense of the word. I felt defeated by life even if everything was actually moving in the right direction. Most importantly, I felt like nothing was ever going to change which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish I had someone in my life to take my hand and tell me that everything that I was feeling was a “right now” thing. That nothing is permanent and that everything is ever changing. I had someone who told me that nothing is ever certain but that depressed me even more because it comes from a negative perspective.

Everything is changing which of course means that it can go both ways – for the better or for the worse. It all depends on what you focus on. I made my choice and I’m not looking back. And yes, I’ll be having bad moments and bad circumstances, like right now my kid has a cold and so do I. This is not permanent – she will get better and so will I. It’s just a “right now” situation.

Anyways, I’m rambling. Bottom line is that everything will always change for the better if you focus on that.

December 30, 2018 0

Road Trip Number 2

So, yesterday we went on another incognito road trip, but this time to mountain Rarau. Incredible place and quite an adventure getting there.

The drive up there is like a dream. Since I got my licence, I’ve driven there maybe life 15 times and it still gets to me. The view from the Lady’s Rocks (Pietrele Doamnei in Romanian) is fantastic. Being winter, we only climbed up to the first plateau. From up there you can see the cabin and the forest (I’ll post a featured image and a few photos bellow).

Lia (my daughter) was having the time of her life. I’ve never seen her laugh and baby-talk so much. She was literally excited and amazed. Just looking at her and seeing that little face with those little eyes light up brought me back to what someone once told me – “Seeing your face, seeing you smile and laugh gives me a reason to live”. Now that I am a mother and seeing my child so happy and so curious about the world gave me a reason to keep doing this and to keep going and keep pushing forward.

Those of you who have kids, know exactly what I mean. It’s just the best feeling in the world to see your child discover new things.

Ok, I’ll leave this for now because we have another road trip to get ready for.

December 28, 2018 0

Christmas Energy

So I’m Orthodox which means that we celebrate 3 days of Christmas – 25,26,27th December.

Yesterday was a very fun day. We had a chance to get out of the blah city environment and go to one of my favorite places in this country – Cheile Bizazului (the featured photo is a pic I took once we got there) It’s like a rock, uncovered tunnel – that’s the best description I can provide and, this time of year, it’s especially beautiful.

The biggest reason I love this place is because I have a ton of memories attached to that place. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 5 years old and someone told me to get dressed and go to the car. It was my birthday. I asked her where are we going and she said it was a surprise. During the entire trip I kept asking people where were we heading and either of them kept quiet. The drive up to that place it’s beautiful on it’s own but once we were arriving – my jaw kept dropping. The way the rocks emerge from the forest is absolutely incredible. I remember getting out of the car and just starring in amazement at how big everything was. I started crying and that woman asked me what was wrong and the only thing I could say was – “it’s so beautiful”.

Ever since we kept going back every year – be it summer or winter . Now, that I have my own child, I woke up yesterday and kind of felt that it was time to go there. It’s pretty hard to explain, but it’s like that place is calling for me. Sound stupid and corny but that’s how I feel. Even if my child is just 5 months old – when we got there her reaction was priceless. She didn’t cry but she starred exactly like I did 22 years ago and then slowly started smiling. Like mother, like daughter.

That place will always have a special hold on my heart and it’s funny how – even having been there hundreds of times – it still energizes me like the very first time.

December 27, 2018 0

So it’s…

Christmas Eve! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!! My baby’s first Christmas Eve! Even though she won’t remember it, I know I will and 30 years from now I’ll have stories to tell over and over again at family gatherings!

Funny things happened today. I was at the store with my baby in the baby carrier and she was not happy. I mean like totally mad about God knows what and she threw and epic, Oscar award worthy tantrum at just 5 months!!!!! I’m not even joking! She was not having it today. And here I was, trying to keep calm, breathe slowly so she wouldn’t sense my stress, humming her favorite lullaby, talking to her….I mean pretty much doing all I could to calm her down while trying to move as fast as I could and get the hell out of that store. It would have been better if it wouldn’t have been packed, but – being Christmas Eve – the place was full of people trying to get last-minute shopping done.

And I got a lot of angry looks from people and I swear I could hear an airy “Gosh…” coming out of a woman’s mouth, people rolling their eyes at me etc. As I got to the diaper aisle, a gentleman approached me also holding a small boy and told me – “Keep calm, you’re doing great!” – and just left. I remained stunned for a minute! I couldn’t believe it! He knew exactly what I needed at that moment.

So, even though you are not going to be reading this, I just want to say a big, fat THANK YOU! Thank you , sir for being an empathetic human being! Thank you for saying something positive! Thank you for giving me a split second of validation in a moment when I felt like I was a horrible mom! I wish one day someone will do for you what you did for me! Even if it was just a small thing, in a moment like that, a mother/father doesn’t need judgement or to feel more embarrassed. All we need is a little support and that goes a long way.

As a single mom with all the help anyone could get, I have to say it’s not easy. It’s a beautiful journey and today my faith in human kind was restored by just one little sentence spoken at the right time.

Being human is beautiful and you – my good sir – are a beautiful human being!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Make it a good one to tell!

December 24, 2018 0

Life

Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.

What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.

The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.

Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man. I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.

I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.

These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective isn’t less valid.

I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.

Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.

December 21, 2018 0

Sometimes I’m disappointed…

in people…Does the picture above raise your eyebrows? Is there anything strange in that picture? Well, please be so kind as to un – squint your damn eyes and you’ll see a bunch of Junior High boys doing a Nazi Salute!!!!

In fucking 2018, we still have yahoo behavior. In 2018, we still see ignorance when information is pretty much slapping people in the face. Again, in 2018, we see still don’t learn. Fuck trying to find a cure for cancer! How about finding a cure for stupidity? How’s that?

After the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Synagogue, this photo emerges. How fucking cool is this? The younger generation is playing Hitler. Awww…that sure can make a parent warm and fuzzy inside.

Again, why? Why is this still happening? This is a rhetorical question. In actuality, there is no possible explanation under the sun that could possibly make me understand why, after everything that’s happened throughout history, people never learn.

I am a mother and I feel disgusted that my child has to grow up in this world, but I hope and I will do my best in parenting my child so that she will never behave like this.

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

As a Christian, I want to openly apologize to the Jewish community for this behavior and I sincerely hope this will be done and over with. Sometimes people should act as if their mom’s watching over their shoulder. This world would be a much better place.

November 13, 2018 0

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

November 10, 2018 0

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

Someone once told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever is needed inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

November 9, 2018 0