Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, skyped with my boyfriend, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. My mother once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

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Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother and being IN LOVE has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life. My lovely man showed me that – as imperfect as I am – I too can be truly loved just the way I am, flaws and all.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

My grandmother told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever needs inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling – a habit I somehow managed to pick up from my boyfriend. Oh, he’ll be so proud of me lol! Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

Happy?

You know what absolutely makes my day? Knowing that in this world there is someone who loves me. That someone is a wonderful man who fell in love with me inspite of me, inspite of what I used to do, inspite of my flaws, inspite of the distance between us. Do you have any idea how good that feels? I, sure as hell, didn’t. I can’t even remember the last time I felt happy. I may have had the impression I was happy, but truly being happy, catching myself smiling like an idiot whenever I think of him or whenever we talk etc….yeah….it’s been way too long.

Only the idea that only a short while ago I was about to loose that, makes me feel like a fool. He keeps telling me that he feel lucky when in fact I am the lucky one. I’m lucky because he took the time to get to know me – the woman behind the cam model, the person behind the dumped pregnant woman, the essence behind the self defense wall. I am not an easy person to love. I’m difficult, bitchy at times, stubborn, I can be mean and…I am afraid. Most of the times, I feel like I am my own worst enemy. I’ve been dominated by fear my entire life. Do you know how difficult it can be loving a person like me? Ask my boyfriend lol. He can write a book on that.

Inspite of all the reasons I gave him to not even consider being with me, inspite of so many times when I was pushing him away, he stayed. He patiently waited for me. He CHOSE to love me so how could I not fall in love with him. He is everything I’m not, but I want to be. He’s kind, loving, caring, considerate, he has a heart of platinum, he’s in love with life, he can make me laugh like no other and he knows how to love. Sound like Price Charming, right? Well, he is my Prince Charming and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I LOVE YOU, Hun! Here’s to you!

 

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected. My boyfriend was with me via skype since he’s in the US and I’m in Romania and he was nice enough to record the ceremony. My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n

 

A ray of sunshine

Life is filled with good and bad things. That’s a given! You can’t have one without the other. Everything still is crazy over here with the baptism coming sooner than I would like it, but that’s that.

As much as I hate it, I cleaned the house and did laundry which is now sitting in a big pile on the unused side of my bed. Maybe if I just stare at them long enough they might fold themselves….maybe….a girl can only hope…and…maybe…fold the damn laundry.

Remember the guy I talked about? We started talking again. At first through email, then we moved to the phone and then skype. It was hard and, on my end, some crying (not like I haven’t been doing that for the past 2 days lol), but it was good and we’re good now whatever that means. We’ll take it day by day and just see where it goes and how it goes. But yes, I feel much better because I really did miss him. When you really miss someone, the feeling is choking, like you’re trying to swallow a hole apple. It’s even harder when you know that you’re the one who pushed them away. There’s only so much a person can handle. Paying the price is all I can do right now…

Anyway, let’s see, what else is going on…There is one event I have to perform in which I totally forgot about. I know – very professional of me – but I’ll figure it out and pull it off. Somehow, I managed to stick to this blog-ing thing. Seem to be as consistent as I set out to be when I started it.

My life’s pretty good now. Just another day…

Ohhhh if you ever want to eat something that will cause and instant orgasm in your mouth try this: melt half a pack of butter in a pan or something, add a table spoon of flour, 1 cup of milk, cheese for days, mix it all up until the cheese melts, add chilly or just plain salt and pepper and voila – cream cheese so good it will make your tongue dance lambada – fucking yummmm. I usually eat it with bread or toast, but it’s just like black – it goes with everything!

Another busy day…

Ever since my mom died in 2015, I’ve been living with my dad. He’s great help to me since I mentioned previously that I am a single mom. We live in a decent apartment in Iasi, Romania and, through a lot of hard work, we live a pretty decent life. Of course, there are many plans for the future and many dreams waiting to be fulfilled. That doesn’t stop us from appreciating what we have now.

This coming Sunday is my baby girl’s Baptism. Naturally, there are a lot of things to plan and get done: my baby’s outfit, my dad’s outfit, my outfit, the Godparents, the church, the venue for the lunch after the service etc. I’m pretty much in over my head!

For those of you wondering where the father of my child is  I’m only going to say this: he just isn’t part of our lives. Out of respect for him and for my own privacy, I will not give details. I provide for my child alone and I’m proud to say that she has everything she needs. I just want to give a huge shout out to all you single parents: YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU DO A FANTASTIC JOB!!!! Don’t ever, not even for a fraction of a second, doubt yourselves. I know it’s hard and frustrating and lonely! Don’t forget to stop once in a while to enjoy your kids! They won’t be kids forever…

This blog post seems to be as chaotic as my day. I’m all over the place, but it’s ok. Some days will be like this. Chaos is just part of life and I’ve learned to not feel ashamed or embarrassed and neither should you.

Yesterday I talked about that man I met while working as a cam model. 24 hours without hearing from him went by really slow and painful. Some of you may wonder why I don’t contact him. I wish I could but…he hates me. Somehow, somewhere along the way the fact that I took part in the sex industry came back to haunt me… Maybe one day I will get the courage to contact him…right now I don’t…

 

Intro

I created this blog about 2 weeks ago and this is the first time I’m posting. I’m not really sure if you are reading this or if you will ever read this, but here it goes.

My name is Olga and I live in a small European country called Romania. I’m a single mother of a gorgeous baby girl. I’ve had many jobs in my life time and one of them was webcam modeling. I know, I know…outrageous and controversial. Why did I choose this? Simple…money. Did it help? Yes! Was it worth it? No! Throughout my posts here, I will touch base on this subject and how it had affected my life and the way I view life. Probably this is the main reason I decided to create this blog.

I am here not claiming to be a writer. I’m here to find out who I really am! As the blog title says – “A Mother And A Woman In Love”. I’m in love with life even if right now it seems a bit chaotic. I really love this journey as difficult as it seemed to be at times. I want to stay in love and I want to find my true self again. In this moment, I feel lost.

This is a challenge to myself and whoever wants to join in: 365 days, 1 post per day in which I talk honestly about everything and make peace with whatever I need to make peace with. If you need someone to listen and join you in your journey to your true self – I am here to listen actively to you. I am curious to see where it takes us so here goes nothing…001

 

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