Life As A Single Parent – I

Ok, so as promised, every Tuesday from now on, I will be posting my thoughts, challenges, struggles and joys of being a single parent. Lets get into it.

Firstly, I became a single parent the second I found out I was pregnant. I carried the pregnancy without the father in the picture. That’s actually the moment I became a parent even though my baby was not yet born. I felt it was important for me to point that out because people think that parenting starts when the baby is born which is downright false. This journey starts the second you find out there’s a bun in the oven. It should be a happy moment, exciting, but it wasn’t like that for me.

I was terrified. I was scared down to my marrow. Not only because it was an unexpected pregnancy, but because I got left in the cold by the father with no explanation. I will not start bashing him or anything because there is no point in doing that. I’m just pointing out how I felt. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was to go to the doctor and do everything I was told. I started reading book after book on babies and parenting. I watched hours and hours of videos. In other words, I literally devoured every piece of information I could possibly get on pregnancy, child birth and parenting. It made me feel like I was progressing, like I was doing something for this baby.

Then I started shopping like crazy and I bought insane amounts of baby stuff and I ended up giving half of those away because I didn’t need all of them. To sum up, I became a maniac. Everything I was doing had a fear base. I was scared, I was emotionally stressed, I was struggling to maintain a facade in front of my family and friends, but inside I was going nuts.

Let me tell you this, everything I did was utterly useless because, the day my baby was born, everything I had read about didn’t apply. I realized I had bought stuff I didn’t need. I also realized that I GOT THIS. I instinctively knew what to do and ending each day with her sleeping peacefully, changed, fed and loved made me feel victorious. Sounds cheesy but it’s true.

My daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom. She needs a sane mom. My daughter needs to be loved and nurtured. She needs to know that I will always be there for her. She needs ME and I am enough for her.

That’s what our kids need. They need us as flawed as we are. Yes we will fuck up – royally at times – but as long as it comes from a place of love – everything can be repaired. Each day is a new start. Treat things like that and you’ll see a major difference in your parenting. And in those insanely frustrating moments when you have no idea what to do to get your baby to stop crying, when things seem like they’re falling apart and your entire world in crumbling – I want you to know this – NOTHING IS PERMANENT! Add “right now” to each sentence and you’ll understand what I’m saying. For example – “My baby is crying RIGHT NOW!”, “My house is messy RIGHT NOW!”, “Everything seems to be falling apart RIGHT NOW!” See what I mean? Circumstances are always changing which makes everything impossible to stand still. Therefor nothing is permanent so stop treating everything like it’s going to last forever. Trust me, your life will become much easier and you will be able to find joy again. That’s what’s important at the end of the day!

So love fiercely and remember that you too matter and everything will fall into place.

Till next Tuesday!

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I’m A Fabulous Dumbass!

Yes, you read correctly! I’m a fabulous dumbass! Still fabulous though…I’m a happy dumbass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting myself down at all. I’m proud for being a dumbass. By being a dumbass, I learn everyday, I human and that’s beautiful. See? I’m fabulous, happy, proud and beautiful! What more could I possibly want?

I do want something actually. I want to continue being happy, I want to provide a happy life for my daughter, I want to fulfill a few dreams I have this year. I just have that gut feeling that things are finally falling into place. After a huge storm, finally the sun comes through. And no, to answer a question I received from a reader, there is no special someone. That’s in the works *wink*. Ladies, if you un-squint your eyes, you’ll see how many offers are out there and some of them are actually worth your attention. Not all men are pigs! Some of them can be pretty nasty (so can women), but there are some really good people out there for those who have eyes to see.

I also received another question from a reader or a request – to talk about being a single parent. I will elaborate on that topic in the next post. This is just me acknowledging that request and yes I will tend to that subject as it is a very deep one. There are many women and men who are single parents and bloggers who talk about this. I guess people need to find one person that resonates with them. I know that was what I needed when I was pregnant. So yes, I will honor that on Tuesday’s post. Now thinking about it, one post it’s not enough to talk about that so maybe I should start some sort of a series – every Tuesday a single parenting post.

I’ve got a few more requests which thrills me. Makes me think I’m not just sending things into a giant void. I will tackle each and every one of them and some of them I will turn them into series since the topics are very broad.

So that’s pretty much it for this one. I know it’s short, I just felt like writing.

Warm And Fuzy

Ok so I skipped a day because I woke up dying of stomach cramps. By noon yesterday, I managed to straighten myself to a standing position and get my kid and myself dressed and I went to visit her Godparents.

Maria, the Godmother, wanted to host a lunch at her place with her family and she pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into coming. She did the right thing!!! Waking up feeling like shit didn’t have to dictate the rest of my day.

I must say it was a very enjoyable afternoon. They are a simple family, with simple people. What I love about them is their capability to make anyone feel extremely welcome and like your presence matters with them. They have such a warmth about them it’s unreal. Me and Maria have been friends for about 8 years. We met in college and became friends from day 1. Our dream was for us to officially become family and 2018 was the year when that was possible. She did me the extraordinary honor of baptizing my child and, for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

She is the only person who can restore my faith in humanity by just breathing. There are very few genuinely good people I’ve had the chance to meet in this lifetime and, thank God, I managed to make them my friends. She accepted me in a way only my parents did. I should introduce her to everyone. She can finds the best in everything, focuses on that and brings it out. She’s been there for me in many rock-bottom moments in my life and knew exactly what to tell me to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. I’ve learned a lot from her throughout the years and I truly look up to her.

So my afternoon was filled with food (thank God lol), laughter, watching the kids play and genuine quality time. Everyone needs a Maria in their lives.

 

 

Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful  for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

Right Now

I had a good talk with a very close and dear friend of mine today. And we talked about recent past and everything and he looked into my eyes and said – “I am so proud of you! You have come such a long way in a short amount of time it’s unbelievable, but I believe it because it’s you!”. And for the first time in my life, I believed it myself. Yes, I have come a long way in a short amount of time because nothing is ever permanent. Everything is moving and shifting constantly. Time is not an enemy, time is actually our best friend because it’s allows space for change.

Just a week ago, a month ago, I was in a really bad place. My life sucked, I sucked and I hated myself and my circumstances with a passion beyond explanation. I felt like a failure in every sense of the word. I felt defeated by life even if everything was actually moving in the right direction. Most importantly, I felt like nothing was ever going to change which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish I had someone in my life to take my hand and tell me that everything that I was feeling was a “right now” thing. That nothing is permanent and that everything is ever changing. I had someone who told me that nothing is ever certain but that depressed me even more because it comes from a negative perspective.

Everything is changing which of course means that it can go both ways – for the better or for the worse. It all depends on what you focus on. I made my choice and I’m not looking back. And yes, I’ll be having bad moments and bad circumstances, like right now my kid has a cold and so do I. This is not permanent – she will get better and so will I. It’s just a “right now” situation.

Anyways, I’m rambling. Bottom line is that everything will always change for the better if you focus on that.

Road Trip Number 2

So, yesterday we went on another incognito road trip, but this time to mountain Rarau. Incredible place and quite an adventure getting there.

The drive up there is like a dream. Since I got my licence, I’ve driven there maybe life 15 times and it still gets to me. The view from the Lady’s Rocks (Pietrele Doamnei in Romanian) is fantastic. Being winter, we only climbed up to the first plateau. From up there you can see the cabin and the forest (I’ll post a featured image and a few photos bellow).

Lia (my daughter) was having the time of her life. I’ve never seen her laugh and baby-talk so much. She was literally excited and amazed. Just looking at her and seeing that little face with those little eyes light up brought me back to what someone once told me – “Seeing your face, seeing you smile and laugh  gives me a reason to live”. Now that I am a mother and seeing my child so happy and so curious about the world gave me a reason to keep doing this and to keep going and keep pushing forward.

Those of you who have kids, know exactly what I mean. It’s just the best feeling in the world to see your child discover new things.

Ok, I’ll leave this for now because we have another road trip to get ready for.

 

Christmas Energy

So I’m Orthodox which means that we celebrate 3 days of Christmas – 25,26,27th December.

Yesterday was a very fun day. We had a chance to get out of the blah city environment and go to one of my favorite places in this country – Cheile Bizazului (the featured photo is a pic I took once we got there) It’s like a rock, uncovered tunnel – that’s the best description I can provide and, this time of year, it’s especially beautiful.

The biggest reason I love this place is because I have a ton of memories attached to that place. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 5 years old and someone told me to get dressed and go to the car. It was my birthday. I asked her where are we going and she said it was a surprise. During the entire trip I kept asking people where were we heading and either of them kept quiet. The drive up to that place it’s beautiful on it’s own but once we were arriving – my jaw kept dropping. The way the rocks emerge from the forest is absolutely incredible. I remember getting out of the car and just starring in amazement at how big everything was. I started crying and that woman asked me what was wrong and the only thing I could say was – “it’s so beautiful”.

Ever since we kept going back every year – be it summer or winter . Now, that I have my own child, I woke up yesterday and kind of felt that it was time to go there. It’s pretty hard to explain, but it’s like that place is calling for me. Sound stupid and corny but that’s how I feel. Even if my child is just 5 months old – when we got there her reaction was priceless. She didn’t cry but she starred exactly like I did 22 years ago and then slowly started smiling. Like mother, like daughter.

That place will always have a special hold on my heart and it’s funny how – even having been there hundreds of times – it still energizes me like the very first time.

So it’s…

Christmas Eve! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!! My baby’s first Christmas Eve! Even though she won’t remember it, I know I will and 30 years from now I’ll have stories to tell over and over again at family gatherings!

Funny things happened today. I was at the store with my baby in the baby carrier and she was not happy. I mean like totally mad about God knows what and she threw and epic, Oscar award worthy tantrum at just 5 months!!!!! I’m not even joking! She was not having it today. And here I was, trying to keep calm, breathe slowly so she wouldn’t sense my stress, humming her favorite lullaby, talking to her….I mean pretty much doing all I could to calm her down while trying to move as fast as I could and get the hell out of that store. It would have been better if it wouldn’t have been packed, but – being Christmas Eve – the place was full of people trying to get last-minute shopping done.

And I got a lot of angry looks from people and I swear I could hear an airy “Gosh…” coming out of a woman’s mouth, people rolling their eyes at me etc. As I got to the diaper aisle, a gentleman approached me also holding a small boy and told me – “Keep calm, you’re doing great!” – and just left. I remained stunned for a minute! I couldn’t believe it! He knew exactly what I needed at that moment.

So, even though you are not going to be reading this, I just want to say  a big, fat THANK YOU! Thank you , sir for being an empathetic human being! Thank you for saying something positive! Thank you for giving me a split second of validation in a moment when I felt like I was a horrible mom! I wish one day someone will do for you what you did for me! Even if it was just a small thing, in a moment like that, a mother/father doesn’t need judgement or to feel more embarrassed. All we need is a little support and that goes a long way.

As a single mom with all the help anyone could get, I have to say it’s not easy. It’s a beautiful journey and today my faith in human kind was restored by just one little sentence spoken at the right time.

Being human is beautiful and you – my good sir – are a beautiful human being!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Make it a good one to tell!

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby,  took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

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