So it’s…

Christmas Eve! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!! My baby’s first Christmas Eve! Even though she won’t remember it, I know I will and 30 years from now I’ll have stories to tell over and over again at family gatherings!

Funny things happened today. I was at the store with my baby in the baby carrier and she was not happy. I mean like totally mad about God knows what and she threw and epic, Oscar award worthy tantrum at just 5 months!!!!! I’m not even joking! She was not having it today. And here I was, trying to keep calm, breathe slowly so she wouldn’t sense my stress, humming her favorite lullaby, talking to her….I mean pretty much doing all I could to calm her down while trying to move as fast as I could and get the hell out of that store. It would have been better if it wouldn’t have been packed, but – being Christmas Eve – the place was full of people trying to get last-minute shopping done.

And I got a lot of angry looks from people and I swear I could hear an airy “Gosh…” coming out of a woman’s mouth, people rolling their eyes at me etc. As I got to the diaper aisle, a gentleman approached me also holding a small boy and told me – “Keep calm, you’re doing great!” – and just left. I remained stunned for a minute! I couldn’t believe it! He knew exactly what I needed at that moment.

So, even though you are not going to be reading this, I just want to say a big, fat THANK YOU! Thank you , sir for being an empathetic human being! Thank you for saying something positive! Thank you for giving me a split second of validation in a moment when I felt like I was a horrible mom! I wish one day someone will do for you what you did for me! Even if it was just a small thing, in a moment like that, a mother/father doesn’t need judgement or to feel more embarrassed. All we need is a little support and that goes a long way.

As a single mom with all the help anyone could get, I have to say it’s not easy. It’s a beautiful journey and today my faith in human kind was restored by just one little sentence spoken at the right time.

Being human is beautiful and you – my good sir – are a beautiful human being!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Make it a good one to tell!

December 24, 2018 0

Life

Life is a funny thing, a hard thing, a long yet short thing, an ever changing thing. There is no good without bad and as cliche as it sounds I think so many people do not get that point.

What I’ve come to find out through cam modelling is that staying true to myself and to my beliefs is crucial and vital and more important than anything. Dismissing myself for an easy buck made me miserable and it messed me up big time. It went against everything that is truly important to me.

The truth is that I’ve had sex with thousands of men. The fact that it was virtual and no one really touched me doesn’t make it less than a sexual act. That is light years far from what I stand for and from what I want from and for myself.

Behind the camera, I chose to stay true to my real self. It was the only way I could cope. I’ve only been in a relationship with only 1 man. I loved the father of my child because he was my first, because he had a certain something that attracted me, because he had certain qualities I cherished and still cherish to this day. That relationship ended and the reasons behind that are private. I was sad, devastated me more because of my daughter, but truthfully that wasn’t a right relationship for me. It was just a stepping stone. Before him and after him I have interacted with men of different ages and different backgrounds. Many of them actually wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but by me jumping into a relationship with any of them would have not been a fair decision to them. I would have wasted their time as well as mine.

I never found my sense of validation by having the girlfriend status and I never took that position lightly. Just as I do not call someone a friend easily. I rarely invest in human relationships because I’m all about finding like-minded and high-value people. People who I look up to, people who have self-worth, people who look at life as more than an uncertain thing, people who blossom over the years, people who are strong, people who fill their life with true value, people who invest in themselves and people who cherish their time and other people’s time.

These are the types of relationships I invest my time and energy in. This is what really matters to me. Throughout my life I’ve made some really bad choices, but when it came to people I always did my best to open up only to a handful of people. That doesn’t make me right or wrong – that just makes me – ME. People who choose or chose differently are not right nor wrong – it’s their view on life. My perspective isn’t less valid same as other people’s perspective isn’t less valid.

I’m 27 years old now and I’ve only been in 1 relationship – with good and bad.. It was a relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, that showed me that true love is selfless and not with him.

Looking back – I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself and despite everything I found a way to stay true to myself.

December 21, 2018 0

Sometimes I’m disappointed…

in people…Does the picture above raise your eyebrows? Is there anything strange in that picture? Well, please be so kind as to un – squint your damn eyes and you’ll see a bunch of Junior High boys doing a Nazi Salute!!!!

In fucking 2018, we still have yahoo behavior. In 2018, we still see ignorance when information is pretty much slapping people in the face. Again, in 2018, we see still don’t learn. Fuck trying to find a cure for cancer! How about finding a cure for stupidity? How’s that?

After the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Synagogue, this photo emerges. How fucking cool is this? The younger generation is playing Hitler. Awww…that sure can make a parent warm and fuzzy inside.

Again, why? Why is this still happening? This is a rhetorical question. In actuality, there is no possible explanation under the sun that could possibly make me understand why, after everything that’s happened throughout history, people never learn.

I am a mother and I feel disgusted that my child has to grow up in this world, but I hope and I will do my best in parenting my child so that she will never behave like this.

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

As a Christian, I want to openly apologize to the Jewish community for this behavior and I sincerely hope this will be done and over with. Sometimes people should act as if their mom’s watching over their shoulder. This world would be a much better place.

November 13, 2018 0

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

November 10, 2018 0

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

Someone once told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever is needed inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

November 9, 2018 0

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected. My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.

October 21, 2018 0

Intro

I created this blog about 2 weeks ago and this is the first time I’m posting. I’m not really sure if you are reading this or if you will ever read this, but here it goes.

My name is Olga and I live in a small European country called Romania. I’m a single mother of a gorgeous baby girl. I’ve had many jobs in my life time and one of them was webcam modeling. I know, I know…outrageous and controversial. Why did I choose this? Simple…money. Did it help? Yes! Was it worth it? No! Throughout my posts here, I will touch base on this subject and how it had affected my life and the way I view life. Probably this is the main reason I decided to create this blog.

I am here not claiming to be a writer. I’m here to find out who I really am! As the blog title says – “A Mother And A Woman In Love”. I’m in love with life even if right now it seems a bit chaotic. I really love this journey as difficult as it seemed to be at times. I want to stay in love and I want to find my true self again. In this moment, I feel lost.

This is a challenge to myself and whoever wants to join in: 365 days, posts in which I talk honestly about everything and make peace with whatever I need to make peace with. If you need someone to listen and join you in your journey to your true self – I am here to listen actively to you. I am curious to see where it takes us so here goes nothing…

October 17, 2018 0