Warm And Fuzy

Ok so I skipped a day because I woke up dying of stomach cramps. By noon yesterday, I managed to straighten myself to a standing position and get my kid and myself dressed and I went to visit her Godparents.

Maria, the Godmother, wanted to host a lunch at her place with her family and she pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into coming. She did the right thing!!! Waking up feeling like shit didn’t have to dictate the rest of my day.

I must say it was a very enjoyable afternoon. They are a simple family, with simple people. What I love about them is their capability to make anyone feel extremely welcome and like your presence matters with them. They have such a warmth about them it’s unreal. Me and Maria have been friends for about 8 years. We met in college and became friends from day 1. Our dream was for us to officially become family and 2018 was the year when that was possible. She did me the extraordinary honor of baptizing my child and, for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

She is the only person who can restore my faith in humanity by just breathing. There are very few genuinely good people I’ve had the chance to meet in this lifetime and, thank God, I managed to make them my friends. She accepted me in a way only my parents did. I should introduce her to everyone. She can finds the best in everything, focuses on that and brings it out. She’s been there for me in many rock-bottom moments in my life and knew exactly what to tell me to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. I’ve learned a lot from her throughout the years and I truly look up to her.

So my afternoon was filled with food (thank God lol), laughter, watching the kids play and genuine quality time. Everyone needs a Maria in their lives.

 

 

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Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful  for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

Right Now

I had a good talk with a very close and dear friend of mine today. And we talked about recent past and everything and he looked into my eyes and said – “I am so proud of you! You have come such a long way in a short amount of time it’s unbelievable, but I believe it because it’s you!”. And for the first time in my life, I believed it myself. Yes, I have come a long way in a short amount of time because nothing is ever permanent. Everything is moving and shifting constantly. Time is not an enemy, time is actually our best friend because it’s allows space for change.

Just a week ago, a month ago, I was in a really bad place. My life sucked, I sucked and I hated myself and my circumstances with a passion beyond explanation. I felt like a failure in every sense of the word. I felt defeated by life even if everything was actually moving in the right direction. Most importantly, I felt like nothing was ever going to change which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish I had someone in my life to take my hand and tell me that everything that I was feeling was a “right now” thing. That nothing is permanent and that everything is ever changing. I had someone who told me that nothing is ever certain but that depressed me even more because it comes from a negative perspective.

Everything is changing which of course means that it can go both ways – for the better or for the worse. It all depends on what you focus on. I made my choice and I’m not looking back. And yes, I’ll be having bad moments and bad circumstances, like right now my kid has a cold and so do I. This is not permanent – she will get better and so will I. It’s just a “right now” situation.

Anyways, I’m rambling. Bottom line is that everything will always change for the better if you focus on that.

Road Trip Number 2

So, yesterday we went on another incognito road trip, but this time to mountain Rarau. Incredible place and quite an adventure getting there.

The drive up there is like a dream. Since I got my licence, I’ve driven there maybe life 15 times and it still gets to me. The view from the Lady’s Rocks (Pietrele Doamnei in Romanian) is fantastic. Being winter, we only climbed up to the first plateau. From up there you can see the cabin and the forest (I’ll post a featured image and a few photos bellow).

Lia (my daughter) was having the time of her life. I’ve never seen her laugh and baby-talk so much. She was literally excited and amazed. Just looking at her and seeing that little face with those little eyes light up brought me back to what someone once told me – “Seeing your face, seeing you smile and laugh  gives me a reason to live”. Now that I am a mother and seeing my child so happy and so curious about the world gave me a reason to keep doing this and to keep going and keep pushing forward.

Those of you who have kids, know exactly what I mean. It’s just the best feeling in the world to see your child discover new things.

Ok, I’ll leave this for now because we have another road trip to get ready for.

 

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby,  took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother  has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

Someone once told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever is needed inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected.  My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n

 

Another busy day…

Ever since I’ve been living with my family, things have been on track. They’re great help to me since I mentioned previously that I am a single mom. We live in a decent apartment in Iasi, Romania and, through a lot of hard work, we live a pretty decent life. Of course, there are many plans for the future and many dreams waiting to be fulfilled. That doesn’t stop us from appreciating what we have now.

This coming Sunday is my baby girl’s Baptism. Naturally, there are a lot of things to plan and get done: my baby’s outfit,  my outfit, the Godparents, the church, the venue for the lunch after the service etc. I’m pretty much in over my head!

For those of you wondering where the father of my child is  I’m only going to say this: he just isn’t part of our lives. Out of respect for him and for my own privacy, I will not give details. I provide for my child alone and I’m proud to say that she has everything she needs. I just want to give a huge shout out to all you single parents: YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU DO A FANTASTIC JOB!!!! Don’t ever, not even for a fraction of a second, doubt yourselves. I know it’s hard and frustrating and lonely! Don’t forget to stop once in a while to enjoy your kids! They won’t be kids forever…

This blog post seems to be as chaotic as my day. I’m all over the damn place, but it’s ok. Some days will be like this. Chaos is just part of life and I’ve learned to not feel ashamed or embarrassed and neither should you. Maybe  should just stop typing for now lol.

 

 

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