Higher And Higher

I write once in a while on here. Not nearly as much as I would like, but….oh well…life…
I mostly write when I feel the need to just put my thoughts in black and white. Life is moving. Life is happening and, for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I feel like it’s moving in the right direction.
Plans, dreams, a shitload of work have a totally different meaning when you have someone by your side making everithing worth every second. I’m not going to just say that everything is oh so easy. It’s not and, sometimes, it’s borderline agony….BUT the end game makes all the tough decisions easy to make.
It’s an extraordinary feeling to find that someone you care pour your soul to… Who accepts you for who and what you are… Who turns all the bad into good and pain into happiness… Who just loves you at you worst and best…Who is willing and does everything they possibly can to make your life easier…
It’s an extraordinary feeling when you know you belong to someone, when someone wants you imperfect as you are and that special someone sees the very best in you and helps it blossom…
I’m one of the lucky ones and “happy” has an whole new definition because of him…
As corny as it might sound, after a lifetime I feel like I can finally begin…

It’s Been A While…

…since I last wrote on here…

A lot of this have been going on. A lot of emotions to deal with and, if you’re like me, you need a moment to process everything before you can get a clear head.

Was thinking this morning about how a simple concept like “what’s right and what’s wrong” changes throughout the years. When I met the father of my daughter, I was very young. I was 18 years old. By that age, I already had been through enough and he became my hope for escape. He became the only stable person in my life. The problem was – I had no idea what stability meant. Nonetheless, at 18 that felt right. I was happy without me actually knowing what happiness was. Even that changed.

What I thought was happiness back then meant small moments here and there which I would mentally amplify to make them seem bigger than they actually were. It meant settling for very little because…oh well, at least I had that. I will not bash him as, without him, my daughter would not exist. Bottom line is – the relationship was beyond toxic, but, with my background, I thought it was enough. Deep down, I knew better. Just the idea of getting out of my comfort zone scared me. It’s not easy to do that.

I, eventually, did get out of my comfort zone and now, almost 10 years later, I see a significant change within myself. Aside from me learning what love is and how it’s suppose to be, I learned to accept true happiness.

Love and happiness are not hidden and kept only for a select group of people. I found them in the most unexpected place. I found them in one person (leaving motherhood aside for a second). And, in him, I find them every single day.

What was right 10 years ago and what’s right now are light-years apart. Now it’s about support, friendship, passion, partnership, acceptance, playfulness, humor, honor, trust, loyalty and last but not least…true love.

This is right!

I’m A Fabulous Dumbass!

Yes, you read correctly! I’m a fabulous dumbass! Still fabulous though…I’m a happy dumbass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting myself down at all. I’m proud for being a dumbass. By being a dumbass, I learn everyday, I human and that’s beautiful. See? I’m fabulous, happy, proud and beautiful! What more could I possibly want?

I do want something actually. I want to continue being happy, I want to provide a happy life for my daughter, I want to fulfill a few dreams I have this year. I just have that gut feeling that things are finally falling into place. After a huge storm, finally the sun comes through. And no, to answer a question I received from a reader, there is no special someone. That’s in the works *wink*. Ladies, if you un-squint your eyes, you’ll see how many offers are out there and some of them are actually worth your attention. Not all men are pigs! Some of them can be pretty nasty (so can women), but there are some really good people out there for those who have eyes to see.

I also received another question from a reader or a request – to talk about being a single parent. I will elaborate on that topic in the next post. This is just me acknowledging that request and yes I will tend to that subject as it is a very deep one. There are many women and men who are single parents and bloggers who talk about this. I guess people need to find one person that resonates with them. I know that was what I needed when I was pregnant. So yes, I will honor that on Tuesday’s post. Now thinking about it, one post it’s not enough to talk about that so maybe I should start some sort of a series – every Tuesday a single parenting post.

I’ve got a few more requests which thrills me. Makes me think I’m not just sending things into a giant void. I will tackle each and every one of them and some of them I will turn them into series since the topics are very broad.

So that’s pretty much it for this one. I know it’s short, I just felt like writing.

Sometimes It Doesn’t Hurt…

…to be a little narcissistic.

Let’s face it! We have a pretty decent dose in us and there is nothing wrong with that. We all like to know we are loved. We all smile between our tears when someone has lost us and we all have people in our lives who are damn lucky to have met us.

It doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves, once in a while, of our worth. We live in a society filled with people ready to crush us every day – be it on a personal level or a professional level. I lost count how many times I’ve had doors slammed in my face or have been told “it’s impossible!”. I’ve lost count of how many people walked out of my life only to return at one point or another regretting the decision. The last one has happened every single time without exception. I’m not the greatest person in the world, but I do add value to a person’s life. I’m not perfect and God knows I’ve hurt people unintentionally, but when the line is drawn there was always more good than bad because I strive to make it that way. Guessing all of us do that.

So yes, as arrogant and narcissistic as it sounds, people who have met me and took the time to get to know me are lucky bastards. People who have walked away firstly thinking – “good riddance” – ended up returning to my life wanting back. How’s that for an ego boost?

So yes, looking at things from this perspective, helps me validate myself and there is nothing wrong with that. Society today has implemented in our minds that truly valuing ourselves is wrong. Now that’s a fucking lie!!!! I’ve wasted years of my life downgrading myself just to be socially accepted. Fuck that shit! Bitch, I’m fabulous! :))))

So, to conclude this, Here’s to he lucky bastards who’ve met me, spent time with me, lost me! Here’s to the ones who will eventually come back! I’m not holding my breath waiting – never have and never will! Cheers!

Ending / Beginning

So it’s the last day of the year. Another year has past and I’m beyond excited.

2018 has been really good to me in many different ways. As hard as it’s been, I can truly say I feel more blessed than ever before. 2018 has rescued me through my daughter. In 2018 I was born sort of speak. My life was given a purpose and meaning. In 2018, I found out that I CAN love beyond myself, beyond words, beyond barriers.

How can I not be happy? Of course I am. I’m the luckiest woman on the damn planet and I’m taking that with me in 2019. Next year will be even bigger and brighter than 2018. My business will launch, my daughter will turn 1, I’ll officially become and international citizen, I’ll continue fighting for my cause, I’ll live, I’ll love, I’ll be loved, my family will be there with me etc. In other words, I’m already more than grateful  for everything that I know will happen.

For some cosmic reason, I know in my gut that next years a lot of things will come to pass and I’m ready for them. I think I’ve been ready for a long time. For some planetary reason, I just know that this time everything is as it should be.

I’ll keep this post short because my laptop seems to have “Mercury in retrograde” syndrome, but these are my thoughts for the last day of 2018 – I’m just grateful.

Right Now

I had a good talk with a very close and dear friend of mine today. And we talked about recent past and everything and he looked into my eyes and said – “I am so proud of you! You have come such a long way in a short amount of time it’s unbelievable, but I believe it because it’s you!”. And for the first time in my life, I believed it myself. Yes, I have come a long way in a short amount of time because nothing is ever permanent. Everything is moving and shifting constantly. Time is not an enemy, time is actually our best friend because it’s allows space for change.

Just a week ago, a month ago, I was in a really bad place. My life sucked, I sucked and I hated myself and my circumstances with a passion beyond explanation. I felt like a failure in every sense of the word. I felt defeated by life even if everything was actually moving in the right direction. Most importantly, I felt like nothing was ever going to change which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish I had someone in my life to take my hand and tell me that everything that I was feeling was a “right now” thing. That nothing is permanent and that everything is ever changing. I had someone who told me that nothing is ever certain but that depressed me even more because it comes from a negative perspective.

Everything is changing which of course means that it can go both ways – for the better or for the worse. It all depends on what you focus on. I made my choice and I’m not looking back. And yes, I’ll be having bad moments and bad circumstances, like right now my kid has a cold and so do I. This is not permanent – she will get better and so will I. It’s just a “right now” situation.

Anyways, I’m rambling. Bottom line is that everything will always change for the better if you focus on that.

Road Trip Number 2

So, yesterday we went on another incognito road trip, but this time to mountain Rarau. Incredible place and quite an adventure getting there.

The drive up there is like a dream. Since I got my licence, I’ve driven there maybe life 15 times and it still gets to me. The view from the Lady’s Rocks (Pietrele Doamnei in Romanian) is fantastic. Being winter, we only climbed up to the first plateau. From up there you can see the cabin and the forest (I’ll post a featured image and a few photos bellow).

Lia (my daughter) was having the time of her life. I’ve never seen her laugh and baby-talk so much. She was literally excited and amazed. Just looking at her and seeing that little face with those little eyes light up brought me back to what someone once told me – “Seeing your face, seeing you smile and laugh  gives me a reason to live”. Now that I am a mother and seeing my child so happy and so curious about the world gave me a reason to keep doing this and to keep going and keep pushing forward.

Those of you who have kids, know exactly what I mean. It’s just the best feeling in the world to see your child discover new things.

Ok, I’ll leave this for now because we have another road trip to get ready for.


Christmas Energy

So I’m Orthodox which means that we celebrate 3 days of Christmas – 25,26,27th December.

Yesterday was a very fun day. We had a chance to get out of the blah city environment and go to one of my favorite places in this country – Cheile Bizazului (the featured photo is a pic I took once we got there) It’s like a rock, uncovered tunnel – that’s the best description I can provide and, this time of year, it’s especially beautiful.

The biggest reason I love this place is because I have a ton of memories attached to that place. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 5 years old and someone told me to get dressed and go to the car. It was my birthday. I asked her where are we going and she said it was a surprise. During the entire trip I kept asking people where were we heading and either of them kept quiet. The drive up to that place it’s beautiful on it’s own but once we were arriving – my jaw kept dropping. The way the rocks emerge from the forest is absolutely incredible. I remember getting out of the car and just starring in amazement at how big everything was. I started crying and that woman asked me what was wrong and the only thing I could say was – “it’s so beautiful”.

Ever since we kept going back every year – be it summer or winter . Now, that I have my own child, I woke up yesterday and kind of felt that it was time to go there. It’s pretty hard to explain, but it’s like that place is calling for me. Sound stupid and corny but that’s how I feel. Even if my child is just 5 months old – when we got there her reaction was priceless. She didn’t cry but she starred exactly like I did 22 years ago and then slowly started smiling. Like mother, like daughter.

That place will always have a special hold on my heart and it’s funny how – even having been there hundreds of times – it still energizes me like the very first time.

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