It’s Been A While…

…since I last wrote on here…

A lot of this have been going on. A lot of emotions to deal with and, if you’re like me, you need a moment to process everything before you can get a clear head.

Was thinking this morning about how a simple concept like “what’s right and what’s wrong” changes throughout the years. When I met the father of my daughter, I was very young. I was 18 years old. By that age, I already had been through enough and he became my hope for escape. He became the only stable person in my life. The problem was – I had no idea what stability meant. Nonetheless, at 18 that felt right. I was happy without me actually knowing what happiness was. Even that changed.

What I thought was happiness back then meant small moments here and there which I would mentally amplify to make them seem bigger than they actually were. It meant settling for very little because…oh well, at least I had that. I will not bash him as, without him, my daughter would not exist. Bottom line is – the relationship was beyond toxic, but, with my background, I thought it was enough. Deep down, I knew better. Just the idea of getting out of my comfort zone scared me. It’s not easy to do that.

I, eventually, did get out of my comfort zone and now, almost 10 years later, I see a significant change within myself. Aside from me learning what love is and how it’s suppose to be, I learned to accept true happiness.

Love and happiness are not hidden and kept only for a select group of people. I found them in the most unexpected place. I found them in one person (leaving motherhood aside for a second). And, in him, I find them every single day.

What was right 10 years ago and what’s right now are light-years apart. Now it’s about support, friendship, passion, partnership, acceptance, playfulness, humor, honor, trust, loyalty and last but not least…true love.

This is right!

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Sometimes I’m disappointed…

in people…Does the picture above raise your eyebrows? Is there anything strange in that picture? Well, please be so kind as to un – squint your damn eyes and you’ll see a bunch of Junior High boys doing a Nazi Salute!!!!

In fucking 2018, we still have yahoo behavior. In 2018, we still see ignorance when information is pretty much slapping people in the face. Again, in 2018, we see still don’t learn. Fuck trying to find a cure for cancer! How about finding a cure for stupidity? How’s that?

After the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Synagogue, this photo emerges. How fucking cool is this? The younger generation is playing Hitler. Awww…that sure can make a parent warm and fuzzy inside.

Again, why? Why is this still happening? This is a rhetorical question. In actuality, there is no possible explanation under the sun that could possibly make me understand why, after everything that’s happened  throughout history, people never learn.

I am a mother and I feel disgusted that my child has to grow up in  this world, but I hope and I will do my best in parenting my child so that she will never behave like this.

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

As a Christian, I want to openly apologize to the Jewish community for this behavior and I sincerely hope this will be done and over with. Sometimes people should act as if their mom’s watching over their shoulder. This world would be a much better place.Baraboo High School

 

 

Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby,  took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. Someone once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?

Seventh Heaven

Just like everyone else, all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever fought for was happiness. After what feels like an eternity, I can finally say that I am happy. Being a mother  has made it happen finally for me.

If anyone told me last years that this was going to happen, I would have laughed and considered that person to be cruel for giving me false hope. I was in  a really dark place, on the verge of suicide – something I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter saved my life because she became my life.

I know, I know this all sound corny, but its the truth. Nothing can possibly explain how happy I am and driven to better myself in every way I can. I’m a simple girl. I don’t aspire to anything fancy or flamboyant. Never really did! All I ever wanted was the simple family, a nice and cozy place to live and the perspective of someday sitting on a porch watching my grandchildren play, with a warm cup of coffee, diving into the memories of a full life.

Someone once told me one: “At this point for me, I am telling you the story of my life! At this point for you, you have to make sure the story is a damn good one!”. It took me a while to understand what she meant, but – I can honestly say – now I do. Like any story, it does have some dark chapters. Then again, light doesn’t exist without darkness. So, I’ll just keep on writing till God puts down a period.

I’ve been running and acting on fear my entire life which, as short as it may seem, it’s way too long. Fear is a normal feeling and it’s always going to be there. Letting it call the shots when it’s not equipped to do so, it’s downright foolish. Being brave does not mean being without fear. Being brave means doing whatever is needed inspite of fear.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Bottom line is – I’m in The Seventh Heaven!!!

The Big Day!

I’m not slacking or anything. I’m posting later than usual because…today I baptized my baby girl!!!! Thank God that is over lol! Stress and stress and…oh did I mention? STRESS for just an event that lasted maaaayyybbbeee 4 hours.

That’s me! I stress about everything! I’m proud to say that everything turned out much better than I expected.  My family was there and everything went smoothly.

I’m not a fan of over the top receptions. After the church ceremony we went to a nice restaurant and we had a late lunch/early dinner and we talked and laughed and stared at Ariana (my daughter) so yeah…all good and finally over. Until her first birthday, I can relax and let life flow stressing along the way, of course. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. If you look up in the dictionary the word “stress” you’d most likely see a picture of me in there.

Why do I stress so much? Because I tend to treat every little thing very seriously and I over think and I loose myself in details. That’s probably my biggest flaw which, sometimes, can be a very good quality to have. I stress because I care about the process and how things turn out. Is that bad? Maybe and maybe not. There are some instances when I get so caught up in insignificant things that I forget to just enjoy the journey and that can drive people around me nuts and away. I’ve lost friends because of this. There are other moments when, because I have the type of logic that allows me to make connections fast based on some details that people tend to overlook, this flaw/quality kind of saved my ass while driving people around me nuts.

I’m not the best person to go to for advice on how to reduce stress in your life, but I could definitely show you how to add more lol. If you don’t want to see different angles to an issue, you might now want to call me lol. In case you do, I’ll be here, but don’t worry! I won’t be relaxed while waiting. Gotta flex that stress muscle! We don’t want it to atrophy lol.

Once the professional photos get to me, I’ll post a few. Meantime I’ll leave you with a personal favorite one.44571371_10216940954418261_6836354712682364928_n

 

Another busy day…

Ever since I’ve been living with my family, things have been on track. They’re great help to me since I mentioned previously that I am a single mom. We live in a decent apartment in Iasi, Romania and, through a lot of hard work, we live a pretty decent life. Of course, there are many plans for the future and many dreams waiting to be fulfilled. That doesn’t stop us from appreciating what we have now.

This coming Sunday is my baby girl’s Baptism. Naturally, there are a lot of things to plan and get done: my baby’s outfit,  my outfit, the Godparents, the church, the venue for the lunch after the service etc. I’m pretty much in over my head!

For those of you wondering where the father of my child is  I’m only going to say this: he just isn’t part of our lives. Out of respect for him and for my own privacy, I will not give details. I provide for my child alone and I’m proud to say that she has everything she needs. I just want to give a huge shout out to all you single parents: YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU DO A FANTASTIC JOB!!!! Don’t ever, not even for a fraction of a second, doubt yourselves. I know it’s hard and frustrating and lonely! Don’t forget to stop once in a while to enjoy your kids! They won’t be kids forever…

This blog post seems to be as chaotic as my day. I’m all over the damn place, but it’s ok. Some days will be like this. Chaos is just part of life and I’ve learned to not feel ashamed or embarrassed and neither should you. Maybe  should just stop typing for now lol.

 

 

Intro

I created this blog about 2 weeks ago and this is the first time I’m posting. I’m not really sure if you are reading this or if you will ever read this, but here it goes.

My name is Olga and I live in a small European country called Romania. I’m a single mother of a gorgeous baby girl. I’ve had many jobs in my life time and one of them was webcam modeling. I know, I know…outrageous and controversial. Why did I choose this? Simple…money. Did it help? Yes! Was it worth it? No! Throughout my posts here, I will touch base on this subject and how it had affected my life and the way I view life. Probably this is the main reason I decided to create this blog.

I am here not claiming to be a writer. I’m here to find out who I really am! As the blog title says – “A Mother And A Woman In Love”. I’m in love with life even if right now it seems a bit chaotic. I really love this journey as difficult as it seemed to be at times. I want to stay in love and I want to find my true self again. In this moment, I feel lost.

This is a challenge to myself and whoever wants to join in: 365 days,  posts  in which I talk honestly about everything and make peace with whatever I need to make peace with. If you need someone to listen and join you in your journey to your true self – I am here to listen actively to you. I am curious to see where it takes us so here goes nothing…001

 

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