Just Another Day

As the title says, today has been just another day. Woke up, changed and fed my baby, skyped with my boyfriend, took a bath, started working on my online business (which I will share once it’s launched), cooked, taking care of my baby and, now, I just want to relax for a bit.

I was thinking about something last night before I went to bed. My mother once told me: “Try to find joy in everything you do or else it’s not worth it!”. This hit me like a ton of bricks because these past few years I’ve found every excuse under the sun to be miserable. Nothing was worth enjoying and, for some reason, I didn’t feel worthy of enjoying my life. A  huge bunch of crap if you ask me.

Anyway, with everything that’s been happening in my life in the past few months, I finally found joy. The problem is – -now that I have it_ I am scared to death of losing it and I find myself feeling extremely insecure. Any woman in my position would feel anything but insecure. As I said in my previous post, I’m in Seventh Heaven, but at the same time I’m scared.

Why is happiness so scary?


364 days…

One day down, 364 to go…

As a cam model, I got to interact with thousands of people all over the world. With some it was just about the sex show, with others was more about the conversation. It’s pretty much impossible not to get emotionally invested in this even though that’s one rule a cam model should never break. We are taught to be heartless and only look out for financial gain. So was I at the beginning. Towards the end of my cam modeling “career”, I met a man from a small town in Minnesota. I was pregnant back then and in a very dark place. He came into my chat room and started a short number of stand up comedy. It was towards the end of my shift at the studio. I got into his game, had a good laugh and left for the day. He started coming back the days that followed and we started to talk. There was something about him that drew me in.

Shortly after, I left to have my baby intending to continue camming from home. I didn’t really keep in touch with him. We had exchanged emails and phone  numbers but I was waaayyyy too busy with being a new mom. I was in survival mode. He would send me an email once in a while and I believed we talked on whatsapp once or twice. Once my baby turned 2 months or so, I created a new account on that particular site and emailed him letting him know about it. Sure enough he came into my chat room and we started to talk and joke around again. Off camera, we started emailing, texting and talking on the phone everyday.

Slowly and steadily we started to talk for hours and hours. He wasn’t much of a sleeper so the time difference wasn’t a problem. Spending a lot of time together led to us eventually falling in love. It was hard at first and we had many rocky moments, but after that everything went somewhat smoothly. For a few months, we spent almost every single moment talking via skype. We were closer and talked more than a married couple. The most time we spend together in one day was 19 and a half hours. Crazyyyy!!! I know. We just couldn’t get enough of each other.

Sounds like the perfect love story since I am planning on going to the US in a town close to where he is and our relationship had a good chance to move from online to the physical world. Sadly, this love story ended last night…and it ended bitter and ugly. We both made mistakes along the way and we both gave it a valid shot, but the distance pressure and internal issues which I will not reveal out of respect for him, brought us to a sudden and sad end.

Even if he doesn’t believe it, I really did fall in love with him and I miss him. He will always be a big part of my life and he will never be forgotten. I wish I could take back many things I’ve said and done, but I can’t. I know he loves me. Hopefully we will at some point be able to reconnect even as friends. Time will tell…

Moral of this story: Never let your fear call the shots!

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