This Is A Rant!

As the title says, this is a rant so bare with me. Sometime ago, I wrote about my then boyfriend. I was more in love than ever and things were good. I also admitted to being a cam model for several years and, to not sugar coat things, being a cam model means online prostitution. That’s how we met! He knew from the start what I was and I never pretended to be something else. I was pregnant while being on cam. We met when I was 8 months pregnant. In case you are wondering and since I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of, I did sex shows back then. I worked on Chaturbate and My Free Cams and I was also a trainer for new models in that particular studio.

Before being an online prostitute, I am a mother and a woman. A regular person. If you saw me on the street you couldn’t even tell that I did all of that. To take things even further (fair warning – things might get even more brutal), I used men for money. You name it and I did it on cam as a solo performer. I’m putting things out there as they are.

I went into prenatal leave and soon after had my daughter. I lost touch with him for about a month, but not completely. There still was an email here and there. During that month, the apartment above me caught fire and mine also got destroyed in that incident. I lost nearly everything. I moved in with a friend who didn’t have a very good situation, From videochat I had the money to repair my apartment but I hesitated knowing that I couldn’t stay with this friend of mine for that long with a newborn child and my dad. I wanted to rent another apartment and do the repairs slowly so I could earn enough so I wouldn’t be completely broke. My uncle encouraged me to repair my apartment stating that he would help me rent another one and get a new laptop so I could start work still in the sex industry. Him being my uncle, I trusted him so I paid the workers and everything was good. Since I had to leave my friend’s place, I was waiting for my uncle’s help so I could look for a place and rent it, but he didn’t follow through on his promise.

So here I was, broke with a newborn and my dad. I tried to find the money but no one could. So I resorted to probably the worst decision I ever made in my life – I contacted an escorting service and I was an escort for a day. In case you are wondering – YES I slept with a guy for money. Did it only once and that was it. I know, I know – unspeakable. Well there you go – I promised when I started this thing that I’ll be brutally honest.

I told the man I ended up dating about it. We weren’t dating at the time. All the details of the incident were brought up much later at his request. Still I told him EVERYTHING. I may have not made the best decisions in my life – but I never pretended to be something I’m not! I always owned up and took responsibility for my actions!

At one point, I was on the phone with him and trying to get rid of one of my accounts. He found me on the site, I explained to him why I was there. I wasn’t doing anything, just trying to get rid of it. He saw me, I wasn’t nude or performing, I was just on there to get rid of it. And he saw that!

Moving on! On and off we dated for a few months. I quit camming for him and myself. Was done with it and it became history. I started looking and got a job in coding, programming and graphic design and started working on my own affiliate marketing business. Life was good! We were using skype so he could see me and talked hours on end. After a while skype started to glitch so a few days ago we decided to drop it. I started looking for something else we could use and I found google hangouts. We kept emailing back and forth meantime.

I own a beat up old windows phone – Nokia Lumia bla bla bla. My phone has skype by default. Can’t uninstall it or do anything to it. Or maybe I can, no idea. What I tried didn’t work so I let it be not giving a shit about it. I sent him on there a message telling him how to uninstall it from his pc a day or 2 ago. That was it! Never went back on it.

Today, he pulls his skype up on his pc and sends me a message implying I was having fun or something (cam models sometimes use skype to do shows – stupid idea but they do, I never did skype shows). My laptop was in my lap, phone next to me charging – didn’t even touch the damn thing. I only picked it up when he messaged me on skype and I replied within seconds to him then moved on to email.

Apparently, when he pulled up skype (before messaging me on there) my status automatically changed from online to offline. He thought I was on there talking to others and when I saw him online, I immediately exited. For Christ Sake! I tried explaining to him and practically begged him to let me prove it. He wouldn’t hear it. No matter how much I tried he kept his own lane.

I’m not here to bash him. I’m here to rant a little. Some of you may think that because of my past I should not be trusted. Let me tell you this – I was always honest about what I did, never misled men into romance or anything. I owned up to everything I did no matter how bad or shameful. Since we started dating, I divided myself between my daughter, him, my dad, chores, cooking, managing finances, work. Did everything I could to keep everyone happy. He had full access to me whereas I didn’t. All I knew was what he told me. I only saw 2 pictures of him, never saw him on camera (I know what you’re thinking). I fell in love with a person not a body. And since he cannot defend himself, I will not go on assuming things. Innocent until proven guilty!

What I am trying to get at is why do people assume the worst in other with nothing as proof? Why compete so hard to be right? Why not take into consideration the possibility you might be wrong? Of course my status on skype jumped to offline!! I WAS OFFLINE! It’s so easy to throw people away just because of their past.

Maybe I’m getting too personal with this being the internet. At this point, I don’t really care. I’m angry and frustrated because I was bashed, accused and called horrible names no one deserves to hear for NOTHING. I’m hurt! I really do love this man even with everything that was said tonight. I also said some horrible things to him as a reaction.

It’s so easy to throw rocks! Apparently easier than watering a plant…

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